Facing Fear

Wow!.....
It has been a long time since I have been here. I have been really working hard on my recovery. I have been given trust back from my Mom. She helped me to buy a car and I also got a job. All things come in time if we don't rush them.

I can't believe the struggles I have come through. I took my six month key tag from CA the other night. I was holding it in my hand and mesmerized by the two words. I took a moment to reflect on the past six months of change in my life. I have grown into a person I really love.

The disease of addiction take control of every aspect of your life. We begin to make changes in ourselves and eventually the family and friends that we hurt so much begin to forgive us. Good things started to happen in my life and I have never been happier.

I am doing my best to live in God's will and since I have been doing that I have nothing to want for. God IS taking care of me. He really is in control. It hasn't been easy to do but I pray every day for Him to take control of my life and help me live. He has given me peace.

I stood up in church today in front of all those people and gave my testimony. What an incredible experience that was. I overcame a fear of mine. I have heard in recovery to face your fears to put them behind you.

I am making some great plans these days. I am looking forward to seeing how my plan manifests in my life. I have changed everything about myself. Or maybe I have found myself. I have been lost for so many years and now I feel like a new person. I love it!

Yesterday Is Getting Clearer

I know I have only been recovering for about six months but I can already start to look back with a clearer picture of yesterday.

I had a wonderful opportunity to listen tonight at a speaker meeting. There is a drug awareness week going on around Southern Alberta and I had a chance to partake in that. I heard a story again tonight that I heard about four months ago when I first came here.

This person has ten years clean and sober. He works at a treatment center and also a detox center. He has made a huge impact on my recovery because some of the things he said tonight helped me to remember what he had said before. I am grateful that this person had an impact on my being asked to leave the treatment center I was in at that time.

At that time I was in treatment I really wasn't ready to be there. I still knew everything and someone else needed to be there more than me. I was more interested in dressing pretty to impress my boyfriend. The boyfriend I shouldn't have had at that time. I am grateful for the boyfriend too. He was a good teacher for me. We taught each other a lot of things and we fell into the early recovery relationship trap.

I would rather work on him then work on me. I would rather save him then save me. I don't have a problem. He has the problem and I am going to save him. It feels as good as being on drugs to be in a relationship. It is hard to stay out of those relationships but if we listen to the old timers they can help.

They know because they have been there. It starts off beautifully until one day old habits come out and we begin to self sabatoge because we don't really know how to deal with anything except having sex. Sex always makes it all better. We will stay clean together and maybe hit a few meetings but we won't call anyone anymore because we are too busy having sex and not working on our steps.

Sound familiar? It happens. Rarely do we see a successful relationship in early recovery. It can lead to one or both turning back to drinking or drugging or both because feelings start to get stuffed and then it burns.

This person at the meeting tonight shared a story about his highschool sweetheart who he was going to marry. She was a needle junkie who decided to clean up. It worked for her. She did everything she needed to do always until one day after thirty seven years clean and sober she became complacent. Work, life, kids, husband, meetings all became unneccessary for her so she stopped. So did her heart stop beating after she stuck that needle in one more time.

It can so easily be taken away from us if we let our guard down. Focus on your recovery and become aware that once the addiction has been addressed it is always there. It will always tell you that one more time won't hurt. It might kill you but it might not hurt you. It might kill you and it will hurt your family and the people close to you.

Don't give up hope. It can be conquered. Stick to the program. Talk to people who know. It isn't a game. There is a reason we have this program called recovery. It works.

Stay out of that relationship you are so dying to be in. It might still be there when you are ready to have it. If it is meant to be it because the best is yet to come.

Is Anyone Listening To Me?

Wow! What an amazing experience it is to be sitting in a meeting for recovering alcoholics and addicts.

I am a part of something spectacular and it feels warm and welcoming to have that kind of bond with people who have at least one thing in common. We are addicts. We are recovering from the disease of addiction and we need each other to begin the journey.

This disease affects my feelings. I am hurt and I don't want to have to feel the pain so I cover it up with drugs. I didn't realize how much I was hurting until I stopped using drugs. Now I am finding life a lot easier to live because I know that I have those emotions.

During my marriage I spent day after day bursting inside because I had so much to say and I was never able to spit it out. I had so much guilt and shame for the mistakes that I made and so much hurt inside from the mistakes that my husband made. I didn't want to feel that hurt or guilt so using drugs was a way to escape the real world.

I felt like a little child stomping my feet and screaming inside. Does anyone hear me? Why won't you listen to me? Can't you see that I am hurting inside?

When I came to NA for the first time I was blown away by the information I received. I wasn't alone. There are others out there who are going through the same thing I am.

I am finding through my recovery that there is a person inside of me who has a great amount of wisdom and knowledge that can be used to help others. That is why I am blogging. I want you to know that there is a way to recover. It is simple but it takes a lot of work. Come out to a meeting and listen. We are normal folks who have found another way to deal with pain and hurt. We are addicts. We choose to drink or use drugs to hide from ourselves.

We have now found another way to live. One day at a time. One feeling at a time. It is possible to recover from addiction but once we do there is no turning back. We can choose to live or we can choose to die.

I choose to live.

What Tomorrow Brings

Yesterday is gone and today is almost over and I can't wait until the mystery of tomorrow unfolds.

There was a time not so long ago that I dreaded tomorrow. I was in such a bad place in my heart and I didn't even want to wake up anymore. How many of you have been there before?

I saw my ex boyfriend at a meeting last week. He has been out using for the last two months and recently made his way back to recovery. He shared in the meeting. He was scared and he was angry and he was sad and he reached out for help. I was there to see him reach out and ask for help. He showed remorse and a great deal of hate for the drugs that tear him away from people he loves. The drugs help us to hate ourselves, recovery helps us to love ourselves.

He became emotional when he talked about our relationship and that showed me the side of him that I fell in love with. Is it love? How can we be sure until we go through recovery and learn to love ourselves first. I am learning to love myself today. I am learning to live my life with the purpose that God had intended for me to do. I pray a lot for myself and mostly for others. I pray and ask God to help my ex boyfriend to change because I really want this guy to change.

I saw something in him and that is what I was attracted to. Even though I was early in my recovery (which I still am in early recovery) I felt a strong connection to this guy. I wrote about it in my journal and have since looked back over my writing to realize what my head and heart were telling me. Give yourself time to heal before getting into another relationship. It is not easy to stay away from this guy. It is not easy to walk away from people we love. But.........................

In the end it is worth it. To watch God work things out in my life is a remarkable experience. I am ok with being alone. I am ok with being me.

Daddy, don't worry. I know where I made the mistakes in this relationship. We talked about what went wrong and have come to agree we both screwed up. My inability to cope in a relationship backfired and his inability to cope with fear and anger sent us spiraling into the place we ended up.

For the first time in my life I believe I am worth waiting for. I don't have to do things for others that I don't want to do just so they will like me or love me. It feels good to have that strength in me to stand my ground for what is right.

If this guy wants to change he will change. If he really loves me and wants to be with me he will do the work for himself and learn to love himself and he will be the amazing person that I had a chance to know. Maybe in time I will grow to love him more or maybe less. Maybe I will learn to be the most happy by myself just like both my grandmothers before me.

I love you Mom and Dad. I love you, my beautiful children. I am finally able to love myself too.

Recovery really works if you work for it. Listen to your sponsor. They know what they are talking about because they have been there before you.

Yesterday, I hated myself for the decisions I made in my life. Today, I am grateful for those decisions because it brought me to the place I am at now in my life and tomorrow is yet to come.

Don't Give Up

Seeing is believing. Believing is seeing. Don't give up and don't leave until the miracle happens.

When I first started attending CA meetings and NA meetings I wasn't too sure what to expect to happen. What I do know is that even in my mixed up state of mind the people in those rooms were welcoming to me. No matter what I said or how I acted they never made me feel anything but welcome.

I have been going to these meetings for almost six months now. I am coming up to six months in my sobriety on December 2 and I cannot believe the change I am noticing in myself since I came here. I didn't really start to notice it in myself until I noticed the change in other people first. They helped me to see just exactly where I was at a few months ago. It is nice to see that when we don't give up on recovery we aren't giving up on life. By choosing to stay in recovery we are choosing to keep living.

I came from a very chaotic place in my life. I didn't realize just how choatic until I gave my brain a chance to be real. I am finally finding peace and serenity in my life and I am loving it. I am alone for the first time in many years and there was a time when I didn't think that was possible. I was trapped in a world that I hated and felt like I didn't belong.

I was hanging on to my marriage because I thought it was the only choice I had. I was depressed, I was unhappy, I was confused and I thought I was in love. The love that I thought I had was actually need. It felt good to be needed. It didn't feel good to be on drugs. Now that I have had a chance to be clean and reflect on where I came from I can see that the depression was numbed with a big fat joint and when that wasn't enough it turned to cocaine and when that wasn't enough it turned to smoking crack.

When that wasn't enough...............................

I left.

I am grateful to be alive today. I am grateful these rooms exist for us to get clean and sober and learn a new way to live. It is an unbelievable experience but it works. HOW = Honesty, Openmindedness, Willingness. How it works. Complete honesty and openmindedness and willingness to let a Power greater than ourselves to restore us to sanity.

I am not used to feeling my feelings. I am used to hiding in my own misery underneath the drugs. I found a way out. I didn't ever give up Hope. Even during my darkest hours as I watched my husband turn into a monster because of the mind altering drugs and my own distortion of the truth, I still held on to Hope.

It was Hope that set me free. I am on my way to a better life. If it wasn't for the crack cocaine I would not be where I am today. I would probably still be struggling to change a man who can only change himself. I would be pretending to be happy but falling apart on the inside.

I have been watching my life change because I have been making changes. I realized tonight that by letting go of the people that I love makes it easier to love them. I don't have to struggle trying to control the outcome to be what I want it to be. I simply pray to my Higher Power for His will to be done and I see miracles happening. What a relief to find out after all these years that if I let go and let God and truely Believe, He will make things work for good.

If it wasn't for this addiction I would not have seen the miracles happen in my life over the last few months.

I am going to keep coming back because it works.

I am happy to be where I am and on my way to where I am going.

Remember When?

Do you remember when you laughed the hardest? Do you remember when you cried because you were happy? Do you remember when you let go of the people you love because you love them?

Do you remember how hard it was not to pick up the phone to see how they are doing because you know it isn't going to change a thing? Do you remember how hard it is to hear from someone else how well they look or how much they miss you?

I would love to hear from you because I am just learning all that now and it is so hard to do. Or not to do. When I see him I have to turn away from him instead of run to him because I know that we aren't good for each other. I know that we made a huge mistake and I am starting to feel emotions that I am used to hiding from. Do I love him or do I love the chaos?

Tell me how you did it.

Friendship Is Forever

I took a little trip today. A few thoughts and a few pictures of my past brought me back to a place in my life where I was happy. A child eagerly looking for the future to bring an abundance of happiness and dreams come true.

Our family friends from when I was a child took my dad and I on a fabulous three day journey through time. We had a chance to go out on their boat and visit some of the places I had been to when I was a teenager. I was just looking at her blog, beautifulbritishcolumbia.blogspot.com. It was in there that I came across the photos of my dad and I and Kent and Heather and Hugo on our journey together.

It always helps me to remember where I came from. It helps me to look past the worst and remember the best of me. Kent and Heather were like my second family. I remember when my dad moved back to Australia I felt a huge loss in my life and when I visited with Kent and Heather they always made me feel loved. Kent and my dad were really good friends and I considered Kent like a dad to me. Heather was always like a sister to me, only because we are so much alike and I am too old to be her daughter.

I didn't realize how much Kent and Heather impacted my life until dad and I saw them again. They are the friends for lifetime that we rarely come across in our lives. Time stands still and no matter how far we travel or how seldom we communicate they are always in our hearts.

Their daugher Crystal was born when I was barely twelve years old and she was my best friend from the day I held her for the first time. When we took skiing trips together I was always with Kent and Heather just so I could be near Crystal. I loved that little girl more than I ever thought was possible to love another human being. She too was a huge part of my life. I always thought about her over the years and wondered if she remembered me.

It was a life changing experience when I found myself surrounded by this part of my life that I left behind. I began to think about all those memories of friendship and love instead of misery and regret. I remembered all the things I am grateful for and I also had a chance to revisit a past that I thought didn't exist.

Thank you Kent, Heather, Sean and Crystal for being a part of my life. We were like family and we spent so much time together and I will carry those memories with me always.

I am coming up to six months of sobriety in my recovery and the emotions are like a rollercoaster. I thought it would be easy sailing once I came home from treatment! Not! I am at a really good place in my life and things are moving in the right direction for me and my kids, however, I am also starting to feel hurts that I am used to hiding behind with drugs.

I am aware of things happening around me and I am learning to listen really well too. My brain isn't spinning in all directions and confused about life anymore. I regret not listening to my sponsors months ago because they are right and I chose to ignore what they were saying. My biggest hurt is that my kids were hurt and I was completely responsible this time.

The reason relationships don't work in early recovery is because we don't have the tools to make a successful relationship. We can't change each other, we can only change ourselves.......

Letting go of the people we love is not as easy as it sounds but once I learned how to do that I was able to accept them for the people they are and started to ask God to help them.

My life is a struggle if I try to do the things that God doesn't want for me. He has a plan for my life and I am willing to let Him guide me to that end.

If I don't spend time talking to Him during the day then I watch my life turn back to chaos and darkness. It doesn't take much for that to happen if I don't keep my focus on my Higher Power.

I thank God I am alive today and I am grateful for the people who have helped me to get to this place in my life.

Let Go And Let God

Do you believe in miracles? I do. Now.

When I stopped fighting to get things my way I stepped back and watched things work out for the best.

For years I couldn't understand why things in my life just weren't quite right. No matter how hard I tried to do the right thing or say the right thing or act the right way there was always something not right.

I always thought about God and Heaven and the Bible but I was too afraid to ever talk about it so that left me in a place of confusion. I was too scared to look inside my heart to find what I was looking for. The closest I ever came to God was when I was a little girl going to Sunday School with my Grandmother but I was too young to really understand anything except that I was always happy to be there and the people were always so nice to me.

It always ended there. Kids were not nice to me and I didn't have the knowledge and understanding to deal with the problems effectively so I allowed myself to become withdrawn from the world and changed my values to fit into the 'crowd'.

I turned away from God and centered my life around my husband and trying to change him into the man I wanted him to be. I realized after eighteen years of struggling I was not going to find the happiness that God had planned for me. I ended up addicted to drugs and in a world of darkness. No matter how hard I tried to find the light I would end up in darkness again.

Finally I decided I wasn't going to get high anymore and watch the world go by without a fight. I decided I wasn't going to hide anymore but I didn't have enough strength in me to get out on my own. I fell to my knees and prayed for God to help me get out of this mess. I was hanging on to a marriage that wasn't worth saving because I thought it was best for the kids.

Forgiveness is where it all starts. Forgiving myself for all the things I did and forgiving all the people in my life who have hurt me and forgiving myself for the things I thought were my fault was the beginning of my journey to freedom. I realized that God had forgiven me a long time ago so I should forgive myself too. Forgiveness from other people will follow soon after.

I truelly believe that in order to take back my life I must give up and give it to God. I was so afraid to be alone that I hooked up with a boyfriend in the program. Early recovery is meant to teach us how to be ok with being ourselves. Getting involved with other people allows us to fall away from recovery and focus on each other instead of ourselves.

My boyfriend and I ended up hurting because we didn't listen. He ended up hurting me physically and I ended up hurting him emotionally and we both ended up hindering our recovery. My sponsors suggested to me to stay away from him but I didn't listen. After two months of being apart from him I found myself face to face with him and all those feelings came flooding back to the surface for both of us.

This means danger for the two of us. It means relapse. Feelings of hurt and disappointment take over and the need to fill the void with drugs takes over. Thank God that I have strong will power and Faith in Him to ease my pain and keep me strong when I see this guy or I would end up in the darkness again.

He wasn't as strong and ended up falling into the darkness for a while but today I saw him come into a support group and open up and ask for help. I saw him reach out to other people instead of to me. It was an answer to my prayers. When I backed off and let go to let God take care of him I found out that I don't have to change him, God will if I let Him.

Today I am grateful for being an addict. I didn't go looking for a relationship with another guy. It just happened and I found myself getting lost in the feelings I hadn't felt in years and he was good to me but it wasn't the right time for us to be together.

This has been an experience I needed to have to get closer to my Higher Power and see Him working in my life. Let go and let God. It works!

Eyes Wide Open

Don't quit when the feelings start to flow. Don't give up when you feel like the world is out to get you. Don't walk away when it starts to feel like you are all alone. Talk to your sponsor and lean on your Higher Power for guidance. They will always be there. They know what works because they have been there before.

For the first time in my life I learned what it FEELS like to step back from someone I love because I love him. I realized for the first time what it FEELS like to love someone and what it feels like to have to let God take care of him because I can't.

My eyes have never been this wide open. Absence really does make my heart grow fonder but it also makes the spirit grow inside me. I am coming into my sixth month of sobriety soon and I am only now seeing for myself what I have been hearing for months because it is happening to me.

My mind isn't filled with so much chaos and confusion anymore. It is filled with rational thoughts and real feelings. I am learning to feel how much it hurts to walk away from someone I love even after the pain he caused me both physically and emotionally. The big eye opener is realizing it isn't my soon to be ex-husband that I am feeling this for but the boyfriend that I shouldn't have had this early in recovery.

I am so grateful for the people that I have in my life who are supporting me through this journey. I am capable of making decisions and telling the truth about what is going on in my heart and willing to listen to what I know is right for me.

I thank God daily for the blessings I have received and I am able to see the changes around me when I try to take my own will back.

Thank you all for being a part of my life.

Numb the Pain

Wow! What a journey I have been on.

I have been away for a while getting to know me. I found out that the place I like best in the world is inside me.

I found someone that I didn't even know existed when I searched for it. I have always looked outwardly to find my sense of self but that sent me on a wild and crazy chaotic trip through a world of darkness that terrified me.

When I was able to get to a place in my self I found a little light beaming in the corner of my soul. I opened the door and there I was standing in the place that I have been hiding from because I didn't want to hurt anymore. The reality is that I didn't ever stop hurting, I only numbed the pain behind drugs and an unhealthy relationship.

I found myself floating through time and looking at the life I lived always turning my back on God who was always there waiting for me to ask Him to help me find what I was looking for.

All along I was looking for me. I was scared to be me because I was afraid to be alone so I chose a path that would keep me away from true joy and happiness. That is right where Satan wants to keep me and as soon as I start to take my own will back I can see the difference in my life and in the people around me.

Letting go and letting God is not as easy as it sounds but it can be done with Faith. It is a process that takes much prayer and guidance and a constant contact with God in my heart. I saw Him working in my life but as soon as I let my guard down I saw a little glimpse of the place I used to be. That guard just happens to be the man I let into my life too soon.

I realized this afternoon just what a threat he is to my life. He is a threat because we have feelings for each other. The things that went wrong in that relationship will be a constant reminder to me that I should have listened to what was being said. Neither one of us have the tools to make a successful relationship because it takes time to learn those things.

It ended in a great deal of hurt and violence that would not have happened if we had waited long enough. We decided to do it our way and not God's way and one of us ended up back out there using drugs and alcohol to numb that pain.

I thank God every chance I can that I am still here and I know now more than ever how easy it is to fall into that darkness. Being in love with someone who doesn't love himself will only take me down the same road I came from and that is not a place I am willing to go again.

A Step In The Right Direction

What a difference it makes to learn that its ok to be me.

I have been in the treatment center for a week and learning more than I ever thought possible. This life has taught me that it is ok to be who I am but the addiction has taught me that it is ok to hide from the pain. This treatment is teaching me that it is ok to feel the pain and move forward from the stronghold of addiction and love myself.

It is a big step for addicts to make the commitment to come to treatment. There is a lot of emotions tied up inside of us that we have no idea how to deal with without the use of mind altering substances. I am so grateful that I am learning how to accept the past as part of my life and let it go as an experience I was meant to have.

My experience in life can help someone who suffers from similar pain and possibly teach someone else how to move on. The hardest thing for me to change is the person who wants to change the world. I always want everyone to be happy and find myself hurting because I can't make them be happy. What I have learned is that I can listen to them tell me how they are hurting and offer them comfort with supportive words and a hug.

I am doing really well at the treatment center and finding the days full of nonstop healing. To all of you who are suffering from addiction or a family member who is in active addiction, keep praying and keep coming back. There is more to this disease than simply staying clean and sober. It is a lifelong journey and it is worth the effort.

I am truely blessed to be here today to tell my story. I am even more blessed if my story helps you.

The journey starts when faith begins.

The Journey Continues

Tomorrow is yet to come. It is the beginning of the rest of my journey.

I am on my way to the treatment center for three weeks. I am really looking forward to it, however, some recovering addicts find it really difficult to release those feelings that have been locked up for so long.

I will be writing my blog on paper and post them when I get home. Thanks for reading. Your support helps me and also the addicts who still suffer. There are so many out there still and they are lost in a world of darkness and despair.

It is a horrible place to be and I am so grateful I had the support of my family members to lean on and give me the hand up I needed to get out of the darkness.

Everyday I feel a little better than yesterday and I can look forward to tomorrow instead of worrying about it. We can only live in today and for that I am grateful because I know how much of a gift it is to me.

I was at an NA meeting last night and I saw a miracle. A friend of mine walked back into the room of recovery. He had relapsed four weeks ago. He came back. Today he went to a detox center for a week. I really felt God's presence in my life at that moment I saw this friend walk through the door.

It takes a great amount of courage for someone to come back after a relapse. This paticular person had over six months clean time. There are a few others still out there trying to find there way back to the light. I will keep letting mine shine in hopes they will see it glowing.

I must be off now. I still have to pack my things and prepare myself for my journey.

God Bless you all and may you stay forever young.

We Never Stop Learning

I learned something again last night. I will never stop learning because there is far too much in this life to learn.

And sometimes I forget what I learned yesterday which makes today difficult to live in. I remembered on my way to CA last night that I forgot to hurt. I don't forget to hurt the physical pain because I can feel it but I forgot to embrace the pain of the emotional hurt and that is what is stopping me from moving on.

I keep thinking about this man who hurt me. The one they told me to stay away from is the one I decided to get close too. I got hurt by him and walked away with only a scratch but my heart is still hurting. On my way home from the meeting last night I remembered what I have been taught.

Embrace the feelings and pour out the emotions and then let it go because if you don't, you will not be able to forgive and move on. Instead, I decided to forgive first so I didn't have to feel hurt and in so doing I wasn't able to move on. I found myself constantly thinking about this man and worrying about what he is doing and putting myself in a place where I can confront him.

God's message to me came through loud and clear yesterday. My telephone kept showing message waiting but there wasn't any new messages so I finally decided to clear the old ones. The first voice I heard was my ex husband telling me how he can't handle anything anymore, (the same pour me syndrome as always), the next voice I heard was this 'man' who hurt me and it really hit me harder than I ever would have expected.

The message was from a couple of months ago and it was enough to send shivers down my spine. I was in a state of shock. I skipped to the next message and it was him again! This time long winded and as I listened to his voice I was able to bring forward those feelings of hurt that I didn't embrace. I didn't erase it. I skipped to the next message and it was my Dad. The message he left me when he was on his way from the hotel to my house. His voice said that he was on his way and he would see me soon.

I cried when I hung up the phone. I released all those emotions of hurt and then I listened to the messages again and erased the hurt with the message. That was the moment that I remembered I needed to feel the feelings in order to let him go. I feel so much more at peace today. I left the message from Dad because I WILL see him soon. He has been a big part of my recovery and has always been a big part of my life even though thousands of miles have separated us.

I am learning to enjoy where I am in life while I get to where I am going. God has good plans for me and I will have patience while He works it out for me.

The Price Of Happiness

I was watching the movie 'The Secret' yesterday for the second time. I was utterly amazed by the story of Morris E. Goodman "The MiracleMan". It was amazing to me the first time I watched the movie and even more so the second time.

I decided to look him up on the internet and this is what I found. http://www.miracleman.org His story on the movie was the power of positive thinking that got him to walk again after a horrific plane crash that left him completely broken and unrepairable. His faith in God tells his story of success. A genuine Miracle Man.

His story is a real inspiration to me. I can't begin to tell you the emotions that ran through me when I watched his video on the website. It is truelly God working through each and every one of us if we allow it to happen. All we have to do is believe in the power greater than ourselves that can restore us to sanity. (or health or wellness or whatever you need Him to do for you).

My recovery is going to be a long one. I realized that today when I was with my addiction counsellor. I am only just starting to feel the hurt that is inside me because I always choose to suck it up and not let it out because it scares me. It scares me because it means that I am not perfect. I made mistakes that caused me pain. I also realized that physical pain heals a lot quicker than the emotional pain and I am not sure which I would rather have.

I have been concentrating on all the things that I don't want in my life only to end up getting all the things that I don't want. I always want to take care of everyone else but me. Learning how to take care of me is going to be a challenge but I am finally ready for it. I have been reading a lot of books to help me work through this and today I started to feel the hurt. Today I started to let go of the hurt. I am going to treatment on Friday for three weeks and when I get home I will tell you all about my discovery. I have heard great things about this place and I am finally ready to let it go.

Miracles Do Happen

I would like to share with you the experience I had when I went to my first NA meeting.

I told you a while back that I would tell you about my spiritual awakenings but first you had to believe........

I hope you are ready for this now.

I was in a complete state of denial. I knew that my husband was addicted to the crack but I didn't believe I was. I knew that it had a hold on me but I could stop using at any time. I had already stopped using for a few days. My husband continued to use however, I noticed that his demeanor changed toward me if I didn't have that crack pipe in my face. I was scared.

I had already been to the addictions counsellor who had given me the information I needed to make my getaway. I called Narcotics Anonymous Hotline. I spoke to a man named Gerald. I will always remember his name and soon you will understand why.

I briefly explained my situation while my husband was in the bedroom trying to sleep away the craving to get more drugs. I didn't want to be a part of it this time. I told Gerald that I was a little nervous about going to a meeting. I had tried to go a week earlier but I got scared when I saw the people standing outside waiting to go in.

I walked right by and I ended up calling my husband to pick me up. That was a big mistake because I ended up back at the house with the crack pipe in my hand. I was probably hoping that he would come to a meeting with me but he was more interested in the drugs and calling me names and getting angry because I didn't want to do it anymore.

At first it seemed like everything would work out and he would stop using. He couldn't stop on his own and I realized that I couldn't either. A week later I called Gerald for help. So as I was explaining to Gerald what had transpired in the last week he suggested I show up early and speak with the secretary. Let them know that I am knew and they would take care of me. This way I could feel comfortable about being there and if I didn't like it I could leave at any time.

I pondered what he was telling me. Originally I had hoped that he could arrange for someone to come to my house to pick me up so I didn't have to go alone and I knew that my husband would not escort me there. Gerald did not have his phone list with him that day. I decided to consider what he was telling me.

When I hung up the phone, the other line was ringing back to me so I answered it thinking that my girlfriend was still on the line. She wasn't. The line kept ringing. No answer. I hung up. A few moments later the phone rang again.

A woman named Lisa was on the phone. She was returning a call that she had missed. My phone number showed up on her cell phone. I didn't call her and yet my number showed up and she called me back! Her phone was the one that was ringing when I hung up with Gerald! How is that even possible?

I told Lisa that I didn't call her. Just as she was about to hang up I asked her if she was with NA. She said yes! She asked why I asked her that so I explained my conversation with Gerald and what had happened when I hung up the phone with him. She wasn't surprised.

I asked her why she was involved with NA and she told me that she is a recovering crack addict and has four years clean time. She was at a meeting that she chaired and I could call her anytime I wanted to talk. I will always remember Lisa and Gerald. God wanted me at that meeting that night. He had a plan for me and He knew it would take a miracle to get me there.

When I got off the phone I went into the bedroom where my husband was trying to sleep and I told him about what just happened. I was a little tearful at the time because I knew God was talking to me but my husband was freaked out by this. He seemed to have been agitated by what I had just told him so I didn't ask him if he wanted to come. I went by myself.

It was an experience I will remember for the rest of my life. God was working in my life before I even knew about the 12 Steps. I met some people at that meeting. They looked normal to me. There were some people who were celebrating clean time birthdays that night. I heard some people share their stories that seemed similar to mine.

That is what recovery is about. A fellowship of men and women getting together to share their strength, hope and courage to find a new and better way of life without the use of drugs or alcohol. We keep each other focused on recovery by listening to what works. And it does work. If you have faith. Faith means simply to believe. If you believe then you have hope. If you give up hope then you give up the right to live.

My first NA meeting was May 22, 2007. Ever since that day I have been given a second chance at life. Give yourself another chance. Come and let your light shine. All you have to do is try. You will see it work, but only if you are there to see it.

I have more miracles to tell you about but first I want you to keep believing.

Listen To Your Heart, Not Your Mind

Happy Thanksgiving Folks!

In early recovery we find that the holidays might be a little lonely. Not the chaos we are so accustomed to. My Thanksgiving is full of gratitude because I realize for the first time that I am right where I need to be. I do not have to have a man to define who I am.

That is the biggest Step One for me. I am powerless over life. I have always looked outwardly to find myself and I have been spinning in circles trying to find happiness when all I had to do was look inwardly to find it. Listen to your heart not your mind.

My mind has been telling me for years that I need chaos and uncertainty in my life to be happy. This is a lie straight from the evil spirit that fills my head with the bad thoughts. It has been a struggle for me to change that thinking but I am reprogramming my brain to think positive thoughts.

This is a lot easier said than done but my life didn't become unmanageable overnight and it won't become manageable overnight either. What I can say is that when I focus on the right thoughts good things happen. Always. However, there has been such an abundance of chaos and abuse in my relationships that it is difficult to stop those feelings from resurfacing.

As long as I remember to pray for what I need God will always walk me through that fire of chaos and uncertainty. He knows what I need and His plan will work out as long as I keep my mind occupied with the right thinking.

What You Hear Here, Stays Here

This is the confidentiality of recovery rooms. There is also anonymity and unity.

Sometimes it takes great strength and wisdom not to speak of others in a derogatory manner. Sometimes we see things in others that we don't like about ourselves and we want to point that out to them in hopes to relieve ourselves of our own misery.

This is called taking someone else's inventory instead of our own. The Bible tells us judge not others for you will be judged. Here is a thought for today.

How many times in a day do I have an inappropriate thought toward someone who is dressed in a way that I don't approve? How often do I judge my neighbour for how he treats his wife? How often do I say a bad word when I am frustrated because something isn't working out the way I want it to?

These are all judgements of others and it isn't my right to be critical of others when I am not perfect myself. When I concentrate on what is right I will do right. When I concentrate on what is wrong, I will do wrong. Think about that for today.

Our minds are powerful. Out thoughts lead us into temptation if we focus on it long enough. Change the way you think and you will change your life.

Listen To What You Hear

This evening I had a chance to sit on the other side.

I had a chance to chair tonights meeting. It was a different experience. Instead of sitting in the room and listening to the other addicts share their experience and think about what I wanted to share with them, I was sitting at the head of the table and leading the meeting. From this perspective I was able to listen to everyone and get the most out of being there.

Instead of looking at the floor or across the room I had a chance to look at everyone because they are looking at me. This is a big step in recovery. When I first started to come to the meetings I was shy and even though I needed to tell my story I had a hard time looking at anyone so I would choose to look at the floor or the ceiling.

That is the wonderful miracle about these rooms. We are all so different yet still so much alike. When I see the newcomer, I see myself now. I stayed after the meeting to chat with some of the people that attend regularly. Some of them are my friends and others are simply a voice to listen to.

I had a chance to laugh with them and let them tell me in not so many words, 'I told you so'. They were the ones that have been there from the start suggesting that I stay out of relationships. The kind of relationships that lead to intimacy.

I didn't listen to them. I decided to figure it out the hard way. I learned the hard way. I am grateful that these rooms are here for me. I keep coming back and I keep learning something new. The guy I attempted to have a relationship with is not coming back to the rooms. Not yet anyway. I pray that one day he will. That is all I can do for him or any other addict who is stuck in the darkness.

The best advice I had from my sponsor last night was this: 'you don't need a man to define who you are'

The best advice I had from my physchiatrist was this: 'when you can take responsibility for your actions you will not be a victim anymore'

When I was ready to listen to what I was hearing I started doing it. Get a sponsor, go to meetings, do your steps. It works!

Out Of The Darkness

I know a lot of us go through stages in our lives when we wish we could be someone else or we wish our parents didn't screw up so much. I was devastated when I found out my parents weren't perfect! Years later I felt like a failure when I found out that I wasn't perfect!

I would like to share a poem with you that I got from a great book I recently had the pleasure to read. It is a book called 'The Purpose Driven Life'. It has given me an abundance of strength and helped me to find my purpose in life.

You Are Not A Mistake

You are who you are for a reason. You're part of an intricate plan. You're a precious and perfect unique design, called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason. Our God made no mistake. He knit you together within the womb, you're just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose, and no matter how you may feel, they were custom-designed with God's plan in mind, and they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy, and God wept that it hurt you so; but it was allowed to shape your heart so that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason, you've been formed by the Master's rod. You are who you are, beloved, because there is a God!

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I am so grateful for the people in my life who support me and help me to see that I am worth it. I spent a lot of years wishing I could be anywhere but where I was. I know now that I have experienced the darkness so I could find my way to the light.

I am finding my way back to my heart. My heart was lost so many years ago when I lost myself. I fell into the darkness of addiction and managed to crawl into the light. Now I am letting my light shine bright and I hope that the flicker of light will catch the eye of another suffering addict.

I really believe that the lessons we learn in life are designed so we can grow and build character. I am not the same person I was four months ago. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. I love myself today. I love myself for the first time in my life!

Forgiveness has been the key to my recovery. I had to learn how to forgive myself for not being perfect. I screwed up. I made mistakes. I forgive myself and I forgive others. I no longer regret the past but I learn from it. The best is yet to come.

I will always have a special place in my heart for the people in my life that have known me since I was a young girl. They are part of who I am and who I am meant to be.

My parents have been my biggest support simply because they have always been there waiting for me to come out of my isolation and learn that it's ok to be me.

Thank you everyone for your comments.

Never Go Back

The most important lesson I have learned in my life is don't ever go back. No matter how hard it becomes to walk away from the past don't ever make the same mistake. I pray all the time for God to give me the strength and will power to change my thinking.

I don't want to wish things could be different anymore because even if my ex did change into the man I want him to become, he still is the man he used to be. He still hurt me, he still called me names, he still wished I was someone else. The best I can hope for is that he gets better and finds happiness with someone else. And I shall do the same.

The best lesson I can share with you is what I heard in recovery. Don't get into a relationship in early recovery. I am still learning who I am and what I want and putting my life into perspective and getting over the wreckage of my past.

I got into a relationship with a guy in the program and allowed myself to fall into the same patterns. He wasn't ready and ended up back out there drinking and eventually hurt me. He has been arrested and is waiting for his court date. I have heard that he may be using again and it breaks my heart because I wanted him to be different.

Do the steps! http://12step.org/ Get a sponsor! Go to meetings! It works. Try it for 90 days and then decide for yourself.

Let Your Light Shine

Tonight I went to a CA meeting. Cocaine Anonymous is another recovery room where addicts can go to listen to other cocaine addicts tell their stories.

This drug problem in our society is such an epidemic. I cannot believe how many people have been infected by cocaine and all other mind altering drugs. What is worse?

Having a substantial amount of clean time behind you and then throwing your hands into the air and giving up. That is worse. God does not want us to abuse our bodies like that. He doesn't want us to go back into the darkness once we have found the light. He wants us to let our lights shine bright so we can light the way for another addict.

Never give up Hope. There is Hope for the addicts and alcoholics in this world. All I had to do was step into a room called Narcotics Anonymous or NA for short. Then I heard about the room called CA. When I stepped in there I looked around and I could see a whole room full of people who are suffering with me. They listened to me babble in my early days and didn't judge me. They accepted me for who I am because they were once in my shoes.

They said it would work if I kept coming back so I did. Today I have Faith in the program. All it takes is coming to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. Believe in the program first. Just for today. And then tomorrow will come and we repeat the same thing. Believe in the program. Just for today. One day at a time. Call a friend if you feel like giving up. Pray to God to help you stay clean today.

I spent a long time trying to figure out how it was even possible for me to get into such a horrible position in life. I was the little girl who dressed up in pink dresses on Sundays and skipped into Sunday School Class. I loved it there. I sang the Bible story songs and listened intently to my teacher. I even received a little black Bible for memorizing my first Bible verse. I was so proud of that Bible. I still have it today and I think it is the only verse I ever read out of it.

Now I have about three or four different Bibles. Isn't it sad that it took me almost thirty years to really start reading. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. I continued on my childhood in Sunday School and Pioneer Girls, Brownies, Youth Groups and finally Bible Camp for two summers. I had no idea that would be the end of my spiritual growth - until now.

After years of struggling with my spirituality it led me down the path of darkness. I pretended to be happy in my marriage for the sake of my children. I always knew there was something missing in my life and it wasn't just my dad. I was missing my relationship with my Higher Power. I knew He existed because I always remembered being in Church as a kid and all those Bible stories I heard.

The darkness finally turned to light again. Four months ago today I took my last hoot off the crack pipe! I no longer regret the past or wish to close the door on it. The past is what has gotten me to Today. Today I live to tell my story and maybe that story can help one more person turn their back on crack.

It Works If You Work It Because You Are Worth It

I would like to share with you a few pages out of Melody Beattie's 'Language of Letting Go'.

It was something that really helped me in my early stages of recovery while I was trying to fix my relationship at the same time as fixing myself.

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Letting Go Of Those Not In Recovery

We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.

Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behaviour. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people's pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behaviour, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.

Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.

We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing, and love. The other side was a better place.

But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.

We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. Be we cannot make them come over with us.

If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.

The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reasures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.

Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I am meant to be.

And one more:

You Are Lovable

We go back...and back...and back...through the layers of fear, shame, rage, hurt, and negative incantations until we discover the exuberant, unencumbered, delightful, and lovable child that was, and still is, in us.

You are lovable. Yes, you.

Just because people haven't been there for you, just because certain people haven't been able to show love for you in ways that worked, just because relationships have failed or gone sour does not mean that you're unlovable.

You've had lessons to learn. Sometimes, those lessons have hurt.
Let go of the pain. Open your heart to love.

You are lovable.

You are loved.

Today, I will tell myself I'm lovable. I will do this until I believe it.

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Sometimes all we need is to listen to what works for others. My addiction counsellor reads from Melody's book. I listened to every word and then bought my own copy. I read from it on a daily basis. I also started reading the Bible and going to a Women's Bible Study once a week. (One of the facilitator's just happens to be my friend and sponsor.) I also go to Church and try to get to at least three 12 step meetings a week.

My spiritual sponsor encouraged me to do the steps, stay out of relationships for at least a year, grow a plant, go to 90 meetings in 90 days, listen with both ears and don't leave until the miracle happens.

Anything is possible........the power is already inside you.

Forgive and Forget?

I went to church today. I feel like I am right where I need to be.

When I left my husband in Vancouver I had no idea where I would end up. I am glad that I followed this road because I am finding happiness. I am finding true friendships and I have learned how to forgive myself and those people who have harmed me.

Will I be able to forget about it? I hope so. I hope that if I continue to pray for it I will soon forget about the pain in my life. It feels so much better to have forgiveness in my heart. Life seems so much easier to live this way.

God showed me mercy a long time ago. Too bad my kids and I suffered for so much longer. Becoming an addict has been a blessing in my life. I had a difficult time trying to accept this life I chose but recently I have come to understand that as addicts we have been chosen to spread our message to others who suffer so perhaps some more can be saved.

Maybe I will never forget the horrible way I was treated but I know that I can forgive the horrible things that have happened to me and take responsibility for the choices I made.

I am making better decisions for my life now and that is a step in the right direction. It might take me the rest of my life to finish building the bridge but at least I am building it. It is a safe place to be and no body is going to stop me from getting over to the other side.

Victim or Victimized?

How do you write a victim impact statement when you don't want to be a victim?

I decided to write the statement because it could make a difference to the judge if he pleads guilty or is found guilty. I also want him to know that I do forgive him and I hope that he takes responsibility for his actions.

I am still having a hard time accepting that this guy turned out to be just like so many others. The truth is that I was in denial. He is an addict not working the program. I am an addict working the program.

Victim Impact Statement:

For the most part I try to focus on what was good about the relationship, however, when I look at my finger I replay the scene in my head and sometimes cry myself to sleep and pray my finger will heal and straighten. It has already been four and half weeks since this happened and the pain in my finger is still fresh and very real. I allowed myself to care about this guy and I ignored the warning signs of the abuse because I thought I could fix him myself. I am suffering with the pain in my left ring finger, looking at a swollen knuckle, remembering all the painful words and the harsh reality that I made a mistake but was too scared to let anyone know what was happening.

It ripped away at my heart again to hear what he said when the police took him away....(I gave her exactly what she wanted). It hasn't been easy to forgive him but I have because I know that I am responsible for my choice and I would be an emotional wreck if I didn't forgive him. I am angry for what he did and hurt because I really wanted him to be different.

Physically I experienced a lof of anxiety, a screwed up finger that may or may not ever heal properly, a few cuts from the car windows and bruises from his fingers clutching my arm. I am grateful to say that is all the physical damage to me, however, it is also too much. I hate that this happened and that I am a woman who accepted it as appropriate behaviour.

It has affected my life in ways that I didn't realize. Even though I am angry and hurt I still find myself thinking of the good person I thought he was. I look over my shoulders to see if he is following me or standing on the corner or walking into the same building as I am and trying to figure out if I should be afraid of him or not. Will he hurt me again or will he accept responsibility for his actions and leave me alone?

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I know there is good in everyone. Sometimes it is buried deep inside and takes a lot of soul searching for that good to shine through.

I had coffee this evening with a friend of mine from the program. She also had the privelege of going out with this guy before I did. She warned me about him but I didn't listen to her because I had to figure it out for myself. I had another lesson to learn from him and I am grateful for that. The lessons I had to learn from my marriage took a very long time. At least this lesson only took a couple of months.

There is a reason they tell us not to get into relationships in early recovery because we are trying to learn about ourselves first and put the wreckage of the past behind us before we can truelly be happy. Most of us in recovery didn't like ourselves until several months into it. So if we don't like ourselves how can we possibly like someone else enough to be in a relationship with them?

I was married to a man for sixteen years who didn't love himself and he still doesn't. He talks to me on the phone and I can recognize things I never could before. If I wasn't in recovery I would still fall for the things he says.

It feels good to be here today. Four months ago I took my last hoot off the pipe and three days after that I quit smoking! I am almost divorced and I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. My thoughts are changing and I am making better choices for me and my children are seeing the improvements.

A funny thing happened when my friend and I were at Tim Horton's this evening. I was telling her about the horrible things that I had been feeling about men when I very nice dressed man approached us. He looked a little timid when he said to me, "Hi, I just wanted to tell you that you are very pretty." And he smiled and nodded, and I said, "thanks." I was shocked. That has never happened to me before. I asked my friend if this is where I should be chasing him out the door and asking him to dinner?

Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you because it was exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment. He was just a nice guy offering me a comment to help me feel good about myself with no strings attached. Maybe there are still some good ones left when I am ready for it!

Life Is Not A Dress Rehearsal

I am learning the importance of being in the rooms of recovery.

I have been clean and sober for almost four months now. I see how important it is to the newcomer who arrives with so many thoughts and feelings and emotions.

Confused, angry, lonely, scared and weak. Just like I was. They all told me what to expect and what works and what doesn't work. I chose to listen to what I wanted to and do things my way because I didn't trust anyone.

I am grateful that I started to listen to them. I am grateful that newcomers stay around so I can share my experience, strength and hope so maybe more of us can be saved from the clutches of darkness.

Days used to go by so fast when I was in active addiction. Now time goes by so much slower. Those keytags that represent clean time are a real reward to hold in my hand. It isn't what gives me strength to survive but it shows my family something real.

My strength to survive comes from faith within my heart and soul because of my Higher Power - God. He gives me what I need and all I have to do is thank Him and ask Him for what I need. I feel like a different person now.

I feel very sad when I see how hard people struggle to survive and stay free from active addiction. It breaks my heart to see them give up and go back out.

I have gotten to know a lot of people since I have been around here and I have already seen so many leave the rooms because they lost the light. Some may be back soon, others may not be back. Jails, Institutions or Death? We only get one chance to live this life. Rarely do we get another chance to make the right choice.

I choose Institutions. I am going into a treatment center. They might have a bed for me next Friday. I will not let this addiction win. Follow me to a better life.

God, take my will and my life and show me how to live clean. Just for today allow me to touch the hearts of those still suffering.

PS: (I am typing these blogs with a really screwed up finger. It still hurts. It is still swollen. It is still bent. But you are worth it!)

Don't Let Addiction Win

Recovery can be so easy for some and so difficult for others.

I went away for only eleven days. I have been home for two. Already my heart is saddened. So many things change in such a short time. We all work so hard to stay clean and sober. I have heard and seen how hard people work the program but yet there is a driving force that takes over which sends them back to using or drinking or both.

The rooms of recovery are merely a place to go to learn about addiction. In those rooms we find other people who are suffering from the same disease. We listen to their stories. We relate to some, pity others, and thank God it isn't ours. What isn't seen in those rooms is the power of the Higher Power. Step Two: we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. That power is Faith. Faith in God. He can and will save us from that driving force if we let Him. The only way to let Him is to ask Him.

Some of us have a hard time asking for help or picking up the phone to call a family member or our sponsor. How hard is it to pray to God for help? It isn't. It is only hard if we don't believe. We have spent so much time believing that drugs and alcohol could help that we have lost sight of the most valuable gift we have been given. We already figured out that the drugs and alcohol are not helping because we are in the rooms. Why not try believing that God will help.

Ask Him everyday to help. Try it. I will tell you about the miracles that have happened in my life since I gave my will and my life over to the care of God. But first you have to believe.

There is Hope

I said I would be coming home with my head screwed on tighter.

I needed this visit with my Dad and the time away from my new home so I could straighten out my head and get into my heart.

I am going to be divorced soon. It feels like freedom already but I guess that is because I have been clean and sober for almost four months now. I am free from addiction and the abusive relationships.

I decided to follow the advice of a very dear friend of mine. He suggested I should get a seed and grow a plant before I try to grow a relationship. He also suggested reading the Bible.

I took his advice. I read six books in the Bible on my way home and I have a piece of a plant in water waiting for it to grow roots!

There is Hope. My friend is from the rooms of recovery. He has over nine years clean and sober. He found Hope. He found God. He found Faith. He found a better way to live. He has a beautiful new family. He and his wife gave me a lot of inspiration to change my life.

Faith, Hope and Courage are only a few things that are available to us when we believe that God can restore us to sanity. By the Grace of God all things are possible if we can simply believe in ourselves. God believes in us, why can't we?

Let Go To Save Your Life

They warned me about him. I wouldn't listen to anyone. I had to do things my way.

When we are in recovery we need to focus on ourselves and stay out of relationships. It makes sense. Too bad I didn't listen in the beginning.

He could have seriously hurt me. By the Grace of God he only hurt my finger. It seemed like he was trying to break my arm but he was unsuccessful. I managed to pull my arm from his grasp but not before he twisted and squeezed my hand and as I struggled he pulled my ring finger straight out from its socket. I thought it was broken. It wasn't. It is merely very swollen and sore. The knuckle is bulging and the finger is bent but I am not a victim.

If I allow myself to dwell on this incident I will be a victim. Instead, I am choosing to accept responsibility in my actions and forgive him. I will learn from it and I will heal from it.

This happened four weeks ago. He went to jail for a few days before he was released on bail. I pray for him almost everyday. He is an addict who still suffers. Does he deserve to go to jail because he got drunk and scared? Maybe. Or maybe he is reaching out for help himself.

Family is Forever

Today I went to church with my Uncle and my Mom and Step-Dad. We went to see my Cousin play his guitar and sing at the church that he and his wife go to. It was so awesome seeing Darren play that guitar and sing. I remember when he used to play the banjo when he was five! Who knew?

I am so proud of him. I hadn't seen him since our Grandma passed on. We only had a little while to visit but it seemed like it was only Yesterday. It always seems like time stands still when it comes to family. How is it that we watch our children grow up so fast and wonder where the time goes but when we see family members after long periods of time have passed, it seems like no time has passed at all?

Time is the most precious gift we can give one and other. Life is too short to hold resentments or feelings of guilt. Forgive yourself for your short comings. Pick up the phone and call your family member that you haven't seen for a while. Tell them you love them. Forgive them if there is something to be forgiven. Pride is one of the biggest reasons that families fall apart. Don't let your pride get in the way. You might not get a chance to say what has been on your mind. Pick up that 1000 pound telephone and call.

Family is forever. Don't let them slip away. I have to go home tomorrow and I am so grateful I had this time to spend with my family. Being with them helped me to see just how important they are to me and how sorry I am that I didn't get enough time with them over the years.

Years have passed by so quickly. So quickly we forget about what is important. God never forgets about us, how is it that we can so easily forget about each other?

The Gift of Today

I cried myself to sleep last night. I was saying goodbye to Daddy in my own way. I know it won't be for long this time but it was still hard knowing that in the morning he would be getting on that plane...........

I can't believe what a huge support he has been in my recovery, even from 7000 kilometers away. He had been emailing my Mom for several months before he arrived, just to keep tabs on what was happening. He wanted to come and rescue me long before he got here. What he doesn't know is that he rescued me when he showed me just how much he cared. He cared enough to call me everyday for the last four months of my life. Just to say he loved me.

I haven't had a close relationship with my Dad. He decided to go home to Australia many years ago. I am so grateful that he had that opportunity to spend that time with his Mom before she passed on. I can say that now because I am learning life's lessons. We don't always get what we want but we always get what we need. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it at the moment but once we realize the purpose we have in life, life becomes easier to live.

Dad and I are very lucky to have the relationship we have now. It was hard over the years not having him as a part of my life. I didn't realize how much I needed him and I am grateful I still have him. He is a huge part of who I am today.

I learned just how much we are alike. I learned that he is kind, gentle, caring, funny, lovable, nurturing, sensitive and emotional. He is human and he makes mistakes. He isn't perfect either. Thank you Daddy. I am happy to be your daughter. I am proud to call you Dad.

We had a great time together and after he left I got to spend some quality time with another important person in my family. My Uncle Ed. He too is an inspiration to me. He isn't perfect either. He had been struggling for years to find peace in his life. He helped me to see that my addiction is a blessing and I didn't have to be ashamed. It happens to so many people. It is the path to righteousness. Through working the 12 Steps I found my way back to God. Through God I have regained my faith. Through faith I have found peace. Through peace I have found forgiveness. Through forgiveness I have found strength. Through strength I have found recovery. Through recovery I have found freedom, freedom from addiction and freedom from controlling relationships.

Happiness is something we get from happenings in our lives. Joy comes from the Spirit within us. Faith in God keeps us clean and sober because He knows what is in our hearts. He knows our secrets and He will help us if we ask Him to. One day at a time. Each day is a gift from God. Tomorrow is yet to come.

I Won't Say Goodbye, I Will Say See You Later

Today

She had to leave her Dad at the airport to board his plane back to Brisbane, Australia. They decided it would be easier this time to drop him off outside the doors of the airport so they didn't have to see each other cry. It was so hard on both of them the last time..............

Yesterday

When she took her Dad to the airport to board his plane to Sydney, Australia in February 1988 she didn't realize it would be years before he would be back. She was eighteen years old with a baby in her arms, standing on the other side of the glass wall as she watched her Daddy walk away. She cried for him to come back but he didn't. She thought she was being abandoned at the time.

Today

She realizes that he had to do what he had to do to experience the things he had to experience to build character and become the person he is today. She had to do the same thing. She spent all these years worrying about the way she felt about it and didn't stop for even a moment to think about what it was like for her Dad to leave. She didn't even stop long enough to think about how her Mom was feeling about her Dad leaving. Now she knows.

Tomorrow

All these lessons we have to learn in life are so we can make better decisions for Tomorrow based on what we learned from Yesterday. Today I am thankful because I know more than I did Yesterday and Tomorrow I will know more.

A Journey Back Through Time

Yesterday turns into Today.........

It was just what she needed. A trip. A boat. Visiting old family friends. Time alone with her Dad whom she hadn't seen in almost seventeen years.

They say in recovery you need to open the doors to the past so you can find your way into your heart. She stopped using drugs on June 2, 2007. She left the past behind when she started to build that bridge and realized that she had shut the doors on the past so long ago. She had spent so much of her life focusing on all the things that were unpleasant that she had forgotten so much of her life.

She took a trip with her Dad back to a place in time that had brought her so much joy when she was a kid. She got to visit with old friends that were such a huge part of her life. (People come and go, friendship lasts forever.) People come into your life for a Reason, a Season, and a Lifetime, when you figure out which one it is, you will know exactly what to do.... It is too bad that it took her and her Dad what seemed like a lifetime to figure this one out! They visited places she hadn't been to since she was a child. Just like the Doctor's ordered. Stop thinking with her head and start thinking with her heart.

She found her heart. She remembered happy times from yesterday and brought home some new happy memories for today and tomorrow. The best is yet to come.

Thanks Heather and Kent.

Build a bridge and get over it!

No one ever said that recovery from addiction or alcoholism would be easy. It is much easier to submerge ourselves with drugs and alcohol than it is to feel. Who wants to be a blubbering idiot anyway right?

I do. I would rather feel the feelings that I have locked away than puff on the pipe again. The unrealistic feelings I remember when I was high are so far from reality. I found myself crying out to anyone who would listen but the problem was that all of my associates were just as much an addict as I am. I am accepting the things I cannot change and realizing that I am a recovering addict and it is ok to be me.

I know I will always have a problem with drugs now but what I am understanding is that there is a way to recover. Addiction is a disease but unlike some diseases this one can be cured. It is called Narcotics Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous. One day at a time is all it takes to be free from active addiction. I pray to God everyday to keep me free from addiction. I pray for His will for me and repeat the Serenity Prayer as often as I need to. The 12 steps of recovery have a spiritual foundation that I have found to be the strength I needed to start building my bridge to a better place.

What other people think of me is none of my business. I only hope that my experiences with drugs might help someone who still suffers.

Now that I am learning to live better I am going to be able to do better.

When nothing changes, nothing changes

Yesterday............

She was really surprised to find acceptance and understanding in the rooms of recovery.

She didn't know what to expect when she got off that bus. She was scared and confused but at least she was safe and with her mom.

Her mind was not altogether and she was very worried about her boys back home with their father who was still using crack. What's worse is that he would walk around in front of them smoking it!! She felt powerless and out of control then and even more so since she left.

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

She cannot tell you how many times over the course of her 38 years that she has heard or seen this prayer. It is the foundation prayer of recovery and when she learned to accept it with a lot of help she was able to worry less and concentrate more on fixing what she could about herself.

The only person she has the power to change in this life is herself. When she stopped using so much energy on trying to change or control other people she was able to work on changing things about herself.

Each day that we look forward with positive anticipation, we put the wreckage of the past farther from our minds.

Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.
(from my daily meditation readings)

YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of those days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.

The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is beyond our immediate control.

Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds-but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is as yet unborn.

This leaves only one day - today! Any man can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities - yesterday and tomorrow - that we break down.

It is not the experience of today that drives me mad - it is the remorse of bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.

Let Us Therefore Live But One Day At A Time!!
(from Alcoholics Anonymous)

Today............

She is finding it easier to live life on life's terms because of the addiction. The rooms of recovery and treatment centers and addiction counsellors have been a great deal of help to her. She believes without that encouragement she would not be where she is today.

A Reason A Season and A Lifetime

People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason, you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up our out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow and learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. Many may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life.....
(author unknown to me)

Tomorrow.............

Don't Quit

Don't quit when the tide is lowest, for it's just about to turn.

Don't quit over doubts and questions, for there's something you may learn.

Don't quit when the night is darkest, for it's just a while 'til dawn.

Don't quit when you've run the farthest, for the race is almost won.

Don't quit when the hill is steepest, for your goal is almost nigh.

Don't quit, for you're not a failure until you fail to try!
(from a bookmark I have)

It works if you work it, so work it 'cause you're worth it........


These past months have been a spiritual journey for her. She has come to believe that she made the right choice when she got on that bus yesterday. The journey continues as she builds a bridge to a better life and she realizes that there is no destination, only a continuous learning experience that she can pass on to others who may benefit from her story.

May God Bless You and Keep You Forever Young!

Yesterday

June 8, 2007

After 18 years she is sitting by herself looking out the window of the bus she sits on alone watching the years pass through her thoughts. Is she making the right choice this time? Should she turn around and go back?

She is seeing all the sites they used to see together when they loved each other. Do they love each other anymore? Is love never having to say you're sorry? Love is kind, love is gentle, love is true, love is strong, love is unconditional and love is everlasting. Do we really love each other if we have so much to be sorry for?

She loved him with all her heart for so long and always wondered if he really truely loved her enough.

He broke her heart over and over again through the eighteen years but she always thought one day it would be worth the wait. It wasn't. In fact, it has now been six months of living hell.

They started using crack cocaine. First it was cocaine on special occasions. Then it became more frequent and then frequent turned into often until one day often turned into crack cocaine everyday. He used the drugs to hide the pain he was tired of feeling because she was unfaithful to him and he could not let it go. She was unfaithful to him to hide the pain she felt from him being unfaithful to her. As much as she begged him to forgive her and love her he could not let her stop feeling guilty. So she too turned to the drugs so she could stop feeling.

It didn't work. All it did was make them feel even more sadness. As they locked themselves in their bedroom sucking on the pipe, their lives slowly turned to nothing.

Their kids lost all respect for them and the oldest boy ended up flunking out of high school and turned to marijuana and alcohol himself. He is only sixteen.

She never meant to hurt anyone and now all she seems to do is hurt everyone. Alone as she travels as far away as she can get, she sheds a tear everytime she thinks about the horrible events that have led to this day. She met a man she never knew existed in her husband and she is scared of him. She doesn't know him and she doesn't like him. She wonders if her husband will ever be back. She wonders if her family will ever be together again.

Is she still making the right decision? Is there love out there to take the place of the love she lost to crack cocaine?

She misses the love they once knew and wonders if he will ever remember it. She misses her kids so much and tried so hard to see them before she left but he wouldn't let her. He used them as a bargaining tool to try to get her to come back for some more emotional and physical abuse.

It was a very hard decision for her to get on that bus heading to nowhere. She didn't have a home anymore and needed to get her head on straight and stop feeling guilt and shame. It has been destroying her very existence. She spent many days over the past months staring into the mirror not knowing who she is anymore and right before she got on that bus to the start of her new life she started to remember who she was.

She is that good little christian girl that he had married. She was born a Baptist. She was baptized when she was 12 and she has managed to recover the faith she once knew. That faith has helped her to stop feeling so much guilt.

Everyone believed that her Valentine's Day episode was a fake. (will tell you sometime) It was her spiritual awakening to help her find her way out. This is a similar thing that happens to all recovering addicts. Most of them don't realize it and the one's that aren't ready to accept their disease will call it psychosis. She is not crazy. She is just crazy in love. Or so she thought for a long time anyway. I guess really just going crazy hearing her husband tell her how horrible she is. How much he hates her and could never forgive her. How he wishes he never married her and wants her out of his life forever.

Not an easy thing to hear when your brain is completely clouded with drugs that alter your brain. But as she slowly comes back to reality she realizes that all the things he is saying is coming from a brain that is almost like jell-o. A reality of thoughts and feelings that are hidden behind the guilt and shame that he bares himself.

She finally had to stop trying to help a person who doesn't want to be helped. She gave up on him and now here she sits alone looking out the window of the Greyhound bus as it passes by all the places they had been together and she tries not to cry anymore.