Victim or Victimized?

How do you write a victim impact statement when you don't want to be a victim?

I decided to write the statement because it could make a difference to the judge if he pleads guilty or is found guilty. I also want him to know that I do forgive him and I hope that he takes responsibility for his actions.

I am still having a hard time accepting that this guy turned out to be just like so many others. The truth is that I was in denial. He is an addict not working the program. I am an addict working the program.

Victim Impact Statement:

For the most part I try to focus on what was good about the relationship, however, when I look at my finger I replay the scene in my head and sometimes cry myself to sleep and pray my finger will heal and straighten. It has already been four and half weeks since this happened and the pain in my finger is still fresh and very real. I allowed myself to care about this guy and I ignored the warning signs of the abuse because I thought I could fix him myself. I am suffering with the pain in my left ring finger, looking at a swollen knuckle, remembering all the painful words and the harsh reality that I made a mistake but was too scared to let anyone know what was happening.

It ripped away at my heart again to hear what he said when the police took him away....(I gave her exactly what she wanted). It hasn't been easy to forgive him but I have because I know that I am responsible for my choice and I would be an emotional wreck if I didn't forgive him. I am angry for what he did and hurt because I really wanted him to be different.

Physically I experienced a lof of anxiety, a screwed up finger that may or may not ever heal properly, a few cuts from the car windows and bruises from his fingers clutching my arm. I am grateful to say that is all the physical damage to me, however, it is also too much. I hate that this happened and that I am a woman who accepted it as appropriate behaviour.

It has affected my life in ways that I didn't realize. Even though I am angry and hurt I still find myself thinking of the good person I thought he was. I look over my shoulders to see if he is following me or standing on the corner or walking into the same building as I am and trying to figure out if I should be afraid of him or not. Will he hurt me again or will he accept responsibility for his actions and leave me alone?

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I know there is good in everyone. Sometimes it is buried deep inside and takes a lot of soul searching for that good to shine through.

I had coffee this evening with a friend of mine from the program. She also had the privelege of going out with this guy before I did. She warned me about him but I didn't listen to her because I had to figure it out for myself. I had another lesson to learn from him and I am grateful for that. The lessons I had to learn from my marriage took a very long time. At least this lesson only took a couple of months.

There is a reason they tell us not to get into relationships in early recovery because we are trying to learn about ourselves first and put the wreckage of the past behind us before we can truelly be happy. Most of us in recovery didn't like ourselves until several months into it. So if we don't like ourselves how can we possibly like someone else enough to be in a relationship with them?

I was married to a man for sixteen years who didn't love himself and he still doesn't. He talks to me on the phone and I can recognize things I never could before. If I wasn't in recovery I would still fall for the things he says.

It feels good to be here today. Four months ago I took my last hoot off the pipe and three days after that I quit smoking! I am almost divorced and I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. My thoughts are changing and I am making better choices for me and my children are seeing the improvements.

A funny thing happened when my friend and I were at Tim Horton's this evening. I was telling her about the horrible things that I had been feeling about men when I very nice dressed man approached us. He looked a little timid when he said to me, "Hi, I just wanted to tell you that you are very pretty." And he smiled and nodded, and I said, "thanks." I was shocked. That has never happened to me before. I asked my friend if this is where I should be chasing him out the door and asking him to dinner?

Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you because it was exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment. He was just a nice guy offering me a comment to help me feel good about myself with no strings attached. Maybe there are still some good ones left when I am ready for it!