Let Go And Let God

Do you believe in miracles? I do. Now.

When I stopped fighting to get things my way I stepped back and watched things work out for the best.

For years I couldn't understand why things in my life just weren't quite right. No matter how hard I tried to do the right thing or say the right thing or act the right way there was always something not right.

I always thought about God and Heaven and the Bible but I was too afraid to ever talk about it so that left me in a place of confusion. I was too scared to look inside my heart to find what I was looking for. The closest I ever came to God was when I was a little girl going to Sunday School with my Grandmother but I was too young to really understand anything except that I was always happy to be there and the people were always so nice to me.

It always ended there. Kids were not nice to me and I didn't have the knowledge and understanding to deal with the problems effectively so I allowed myself to become withdrawn from the world and changed my values to fit into the 'crowd'.

I turned away from God and centered my life around my husband and trying to change him into the man I wanted him to be. I realized after eighteen years of struggling I was not going to find the happiness that God had planned for me. I ended up addicted to drugs and in a world of darkness. No matter how hard I tried to find the light I would end up in darkness again.

Finally I decided I wasn't going to get high anymore and watch the world go by without a fight. I decided I wasn't going to hide anymore but I didn't have enough strength in me to get out on my own. I fell to my knees and prayed for God to help me get out of this mess. I was hanging on to a marriage that wasn't worth saving because I thought it was best for the kids.

Forgiveness is where it all starts. Forgiving myself for all the things I did and forgiving all the people in my life who have hurt me and forgiving myself for the things I thought were my fault was the beginning of my journey to freedom. I realized that God had forgiven me a long time ago so I should forgive myself too. Forgiveness from other people will follow soon after.

I truelly believe that in order to take back my life I must give up and give it to God. I was so afraid to be alone that I hooked up with a boyfriend in the program. Early recovery is meant to teach us how to be ok with being ourselves. Getting involved with other people allows us to fall away from recovery and focus on each other instead of ourselves.

My boyfriend and I ended up hurting because we didn't listen. He ended up hurting me physically and I ended up hurting him emotionally and we both ended up hindering our recovery. My sponsors suggested to me to stay away from him but I didn't listen. After two months of being apart from him I found myself face to face with him and all those feelings came flooding back to the surface for both of us.

This means danger for the two of us. It means relapse. Feelings of hurt and disappointment take over and the need to fill the void with drugs takes over. Thank God that I have strong will power and Faith in Him to ease my pain and keep me strong when I see this guy or I would end up in the darkness again.

He wasn't as strong and ended up falling into the darkness for a while but today I saw him come into a support group and open up and ask for help. I saw him reach out to other people instead of to me. It was an answer to my prayers. When I backed off and let go to let God take care of him I found out that I don't have to change him, God will if I let Him.

Today I am grateful for being an addict. I didn't go looking for a relationship with another guy. It just happened and I found myself getting lost in the feelings I hadn't felt in years and he was good to me but it wasn't the right time for us to be together.

This has been an experience I needed to have to get closer to my Higher Power and see Him working in my life. Let go and let God. It works!