What Tomorrow Brings

Yesterday is gone and today is almost over and I can't wait until the mystery of tomorrow unfolds.

There was a time not so long ago that I dreaded tomorrow. I was in such a bad place in my heart and I didn't even want to wake up anymore. How many of you have been there before?

I saw my ex boyfriend at a meeting last week. He has been out using for the last two months and recently made his way back to recovery. He shared in the meeting. He was scared and he was angry and he was sad and he reached out for help. I was there to see him reach out and ask for help. He showed remorse and a great deal of hate for the drugs that tear him away from people he loves. The drugs help us to hate ourselves, recovery helps us to love ourselves.

He became emotional when he talked about our relationship and that showed me the side of him that I fell in love with. Is it love? How can we be sure until we go through recovery and learn to love ourselves first. I am learning to love myself today. I am learning to live my life with the purpose that God had intended for me to do. I pray a lot for myself and mostly for others. I pray and ask God to help my ex boyfriend to change because I really want this guy to change.

I saw something in him and that is what I was attracted to. Even though I was early in my recovery (which I still am in early recovery) I felt a strong connection to this guy. I wrote about it in my journal and have since looked back over my writing to realize what my head and heart were telling me. Give yourself time to heal before getting into another relationship. It is not easy to stay away from this guy. It is not easy to walk away from people we love. But.........................

In the end it is worth it. To watch God work things out in my life is a remarkable experience. I am ok with being alone. I am ok with being me.

Daddy, don't worry. I know where I made the mistakes in this relationship. We talked about what went wrong and have come to agree we both screwed up. My inability to cope in a relationship backfired and his inability to cope with fear and anger sent us spiraling into the place we ended up.

For the first time in my life I believe I am worth waiting for. I don't have to do things for others that I don't want to do just so they will like me or love me. It feels good to have that strength in me to stand my ground for what is right.

If this guy wants to change he will change. If he really loves me and wants to be with me he will do the work for himself and learn to love himself and he will be the amazing person that I had a chance to know. Maybe in time I will grow to love him more or maybe less. Maybe I will learn to be the most happy by myself just like both my grandmothers before me.

I love you Mom and Dad. I love you, my beautiful children. I am finally able to love myself too.

Recovery really works if you work for it. Listen to your sponsor. They know what they are talking about because they have been there before you.

Yesterday, I hated myself for the decisions I made in my life. Today, I am grateful for those decisions because it brought me to the place I am at now in my life and tomorrow is yet to come.