Don't Give Up

Seeing is believing. Believing is seeing. Don't give up and don't leave until the miracle happens.

When I first started attending CA meetings and NA meetings I wasn't too sure what to expect to happen. What I do know is that even in my mixed up state of mind the people in those rooms were welcoming to me. No matter what I said or how I acted they never made me feel anything but welcome.

I have been going to these meetings for almost six months now. I am coming up to six months in my sobriety on December 2 and I cannot believe the change I am noticing in myself since I came here. I didn't really start to notice it in myself until I noticed the change in other people first. They helped me to see just exactly where I was at a few months ago. It is nice to see that when we don't give up on recovery we aren't giving up on life. By choosing to stay in recovery we are choosing to keep living.

I came from a very chaotic place in my life. I didn't realize just how choatic until I gave my brain a chance to be real. I am finally finding peace and serenity in my life and I am loving it. I am alone for the first time in many years and there was a time when I didn't think that was possible. I was trapped in a world that I hated and felt like I didn't belong.

I was hanging on to my marriage because I thought it was the only choice I had. I was depressed, I was unhappy, I was confused and I thought I was in love. The love that I thought I had was actually need. It felt good to be needed. It didn't feel good to be on drugs. Now that I have had a chance to be clean and reflect on where I came from I can see that the depression was numbed with a big fat joint and when that wasn't enough it turned to cocaine and when that wasn't enough it turned to smoking crack.

When that wasn't enough...............................

I left.

I am grateful to be alive today. I am grateful these rooms exist for us to get clean and sober and learn a new way to live. It is an unbelievable experience but it works. HOW = Honesty, Openmindedness, Willingness. How it works. Complete honesty and openmindedness and willingness to let a Power greater than ourselves to restore us to sanity.

I am not used to feeling my feelings. I am used to hiding in my own misery underneath the drugs. I found a way out. I didn't ever give up Hope. Even during my darkest hours as I watched my husband turn into a monster because of the mind altering drugs and my own distortion of the truth, I still held on to Hope.

It was Hope that set me free. I am on my way to a better life. If it wasn't for the crack cocaine I would not be where I am today. I would probably still be struggling to change a man who can only change himself. I would be pretending to be happy but falling apart on the inside.

I have been watching my life change because I have been making changes. I realized tonight that by letting go of the people that I love makes it easier to love them. I don't have to struggle trying to control the outcome to be what I want it to be. I simply pray to my Higher Power for His will to be done and I see miracles happening. What a relief to find out after all these years that if I let go and let God and truely Believe, He will make things work for good.

If it wasn't for this addiction I would not have seen the miracles happen in my life over the last few months.

I am going to keep coming back because it works.

I am happy to be where I am and on my way to where I am going.