A Step In The Right Direction

What a difference it makes to learn that its ok to be me.

I have been in the treatment center for a week and learning more than I ever thought possible. This life has taught me that it is ok to be who I am but the addiction has taught me that it is ok to hide from the pain. This treatment is teaching me that it is ok to feel the pain and move forward from the stronghold of addiction and love myself.

It is a big step for addicts to make the commitment to come to treatment. There is a lot of emotions tied up inside of us that we have no idea how to deal with without the use of mind altering substances. I am so grateful that I am learning how to accept the past as part of my life and let it go as an experience I was meant to have.

My experience in life can help someone who suffers from similar pain and possibly teach someone else how to move on. The hardest thing for me to change is the person who wants to change the world. I always want everyone to be happy and find myself hurting because I can't make them be happy. What I have learned is that I can listen to them tell me how they are hurting and offer them comfort with supportive words and a hug.

I am doing really well at the treatment center and finding the days full of nonstop healing. To all of you who are suffering from addiction or a family member who is in active addiction, keep praying and keep coming back. There is more to this disease than simply staying clean and sober. It is a lifelong journey and it is worth the effort.

I am truely blessed to be here today to tell my story. I am even more blessed if my story helps you.

The journey starts when faith begins.

The Journey Continues

Tomorrow is yet to come. It is the beginning of the rest of my journey.

I am on my way to the treatment center for three weeks. I am really looking forward to it, however, some recovering addicts find it really difficult to release those feelings that have been locked up for so long.

I will be writing my blog on paper and post them when I get home. Thanks for reading. Your support helps me and also the addicts who still suffer. There are so many out there still and they are lost in a world of darkness and despair.

It is a horrible place to be and I am so grateful I had the support of my family members to lean on and give me the hand up I needed to get out of the darkness.

Everyday I feel a little better than yesterday and I can look forward to tomorrow instead of worrying about it. We can only live in today and for that I am grateful because I know how much of a gift it is to me.

I was at an NA meeting last night and I saw a miracle. A friend of mine walked back into the room of recovery. He had relapsed four weeks ago. He came back. Today he went to a detox center for a week. I really felt God's presence in my life at that moment I saw this friend walk through the door.

It takes a great amount of courage for someone to come back after a relapse. This paticular person had over six months clean time. There are a few others still out there trying to find there way back to the light. I will keep letting mine shine in hopes they will see it glowing.

I must be off now. I still have to pack my things and prepare myself for my journey.

God Bless you all and may you stay forever young.

We Never Stop Learning

I learned something again last night. I will never stop learning because there is far too much in this life to learn.

And sometimes I forget what I learned yesterday which makes today difficult to live in. I remembered on my way to CA last night that I forgot to hurt. I don't forget to hurt the physical pain because I can feel it but I forgot to embrace the pain of the emotional hurt and that is what is stopping me from moving on.

I keep thinking about this man who hurt me. The one they told me to stay away from is the one I decided to get close too. I got hurt by him and walked away with only a scratch but my heart is still hurting. On my way home from the meeting last night I remembered what I have been taught.

Embrace the feelings and pour out the emotions and then let it go because if you don't, you will not be able to forgive and move on. Instead, I decided to forgive first so I didn't have to feel hurt and in so doing I wasn't able to move on. I found myself constantly thinking about this man and worrying about what he is doing and putting myself in a place where I can confront him.

God's message to me came through loud and clear yesterday. My telephone kept showing message waiting but there wasn't any new messages so I finally decided to clear the old ones. The first voice I heard was my ex husband telling me how he can't handle anything anymore, (the same pour me syndrome as always), the next voice I heard was this 'man' who hurt me and it really hit me harder than I ever would have expected.

The message was from a couple of months ago and it was enough to send shivers down my spine. I was in a state of shock. I skipped to the next message and it was him again! This time long winded and as I listened to his voice I was able to bring forward those feelings of hurt that I didn't embrace. I didn't erase it. I skipped to the next message and it was my Dad. The message he left me when he was on his way from the hotel to my house. His voice said that he was on his way and he would see me soon.

I cried when I hung up the phone. I released all those emotions of hurt and then I listened to the messages again and erased the hurt with the message. That was the moment that I remembered I needed to feel the feelings in order to let him go. I feel so much more at peace today. I left the message from Dad because I WILL see him soon. He has been a big part of my recovery and has always been a big part of my life even though thousands of miles have separated us.

I am learning to enjoy where I am in life while I get to where I am going. God has good plans for me and I will have patience while He works it out for me.

The Price Of Happiness

I was watching the movie 'The Secret' yesterday for the second time. I was utterly amazed by the story of Morris E. Goodman "The MiracleMan". It was amazing to me the first time I watched the movie and even more so the second time.

I decided to look him up on the internet and this is what I found. http://www.miracleman.org His story on the movie was the power of positive thinking that got him to walk again after a horrific plane crash that left him completely broken and unrepairable. His faith in God tells his story of success. A genuine Miracle Man.

His story is a real inspiration to me. I can't begin to tell you the emotions that ran through me when I watched his video on the website. It is truelly God working through each and every one of us if we allow it to happen. All we have to do is believe in the power greater than ourselves that can restore us to sanity. (or health or wellness or whatever you need Him to do for you).

My recovery is going to be a long one. I realized that today when I was with my addiction counsellor. I am only just starting to feel the hurt that is inside me because I always choose to suck it up and not let it out because it scares me. It scares me because it means that I am not perfect. I made mistakes that caused me pain. I also realized that physical pain heals a lot quicker than the emotional pain and I am not sure which I would rather have.

I have been concentrating on all the things that I don't want in my life only to end up getting all the things that I don't want. I always want to take care of everyone else but me. Learning how to take care of me is going to be a challenge but I am finally ready for it. I have been reading a lot of books to help me work through this and today I started to feel the hurt. Today I started to let go of the hurt. I am going to treatment on Friday for three weeks and when I get home I will tell you all about my discovery. I have heard great things about this place and I am finally ready to let it go.

Miracles Do Happen

I would like to share with you the experience I had when I went to my first NA meeting.

I told you a while back that I would tell you about my spiritual awakenings but first you had to believe........

I hope you are ready for this now.

I was in a complete state of denial. I knew that my husband was addicted to the crack but I didn't believe I was. I knew that it had a hold on me but I could stop using at any time. I had already stopped using for a few days. My husband continued to use however, I noticed that his demeanor changed toward me if I didn't have that crack pipe in my face. I was scared.

I had already been to the addictions counsellor who had given me the information I needed to make my getaway. I called Narcotics Anonymous Hotline. I spoke to a man named Gerald. I will always remember his name and soon you will understand why.

I briefly explained my situation while my husband was in the bedroom trying to sleep away the craving to get more drugs. I didn't want to be a part of it this time. I told Gerald that I was a little nervous about going to a meeting. I had tried to go a week earlier but I got scared when I saw the people standing outside waiting to go in.

I walked right by and I ended up calling my husband to pick me up. That was a big mistake because I ended up back at the house with the crack pipe in my hand. I was probably hoping that he would come to a meeting with me but he was more interested in the drugs and calling me names and getting angry because I didn't want to do it anymore.

At first it seemed like everything would work out and he would stop using. He couldn't stop on his own and I realized that I couldn't either. A week later I called Gerald for help. So as I was explaining to Gerald what had transpired in the last week he suggested I show up early and speak with the secretary. Let them know that I am knew and they would take care of me. This way I could feel comfortable about being there and if I didn't like it I could leave at any time.

I pondered what he was telling me. Originally I had hoped that he could arrange for someone to come to my house to pick me up so I didn't have to go alone and I knew that my husband would not escort me there. Gerald did not have his phone list with him that day. I decided to consider what he was telling me.

When I hung up the phone, the other line was ringing back to me so I answered it thinking that my girlfriend was still on the line. She wasn't. The line kept ringing. No answer. I hung up. A few moments later the phone rang again.

A woman named Lisa was on the phone. She was returning a call that she had missed. My phone number showed up on her cell phone. I didn't call her and yet my number showed up and she called me back! Her phone was the one that was ringing when I hung up with Gerald! How is that even possible?

I told Lisa that I didn't call her. Just as she was about to hang up I asked her if she was with NA. She said yes! She asked why I asked her that so I explained my conversation with Gerald and what had happened when I hung up the phone with him. She wasn't surprised.

I asked her why she was involved with NA and she told me that she is a recovering crack addict and has four years clean time. She was at a meeting that she chaired and I could call her anytime I wanted to talk. I will always remember Lisa and Gerald. God wanted me at that meeting that night. He had a plan for me and He knew it would take a miracle to get me there.

When I got off the phone I went into the bedroom where my husband was trying to sleep and I told him about what just happened. I was a little tearful at the time because I knew God was talking to me but my husband was freaked out by this. He seemed to have been agitated by what I had just told him so I didn't ask him if he wanted to come. I went by myself.

It was an experience I will remember for the rest of my life. God was working in my life before I even knew about the 12 Steps. I met some people at that meeting. They looked normal to me. There were some people who were celebrating clean time birthdays that night. I heard some people share their stories that seemed similar to mine.

That is what recovery is about. A fellowship of men and women getting together to share their strength, hope and courage to find a new and better way of life without the use of drugs or alcohol. We keep each other focused on recovery by listening to what works. And it does work. If you have faith. Faith means simply to believe. If you believe then you have hope. If you give up hope then you give up the right to live.

My first NA meeting was May 22, 2007. Ever since that day I have been given a second chance at life. Give yourself another chance. Come and let your light shine. All you have to do is try. You will see it work, but only if you are there to see it.

I have more miracles to tell you about but first I want you to keep believing.

Listen To Your Heart, Not Your Mind

Happy Thanksgiving Folks!

In early recovery we find that the holidays might be a little lonely. Not the chaos we are so accustomed to. My Thanksgiving is full of gratitude because I realize for the first time that I am right where I need to be. I do not have to have a man to define who I am.

That is the biggest Step One for me. I am powerless over life. I have always looked outwardly to find myself and I have been spinning in circles trying to find happiness when all I had to do was look inwardly to find it. Listen to your heart not your mind.

My mind has been telling me for years that I need chaos and uncertainty in my life to be happy. This is a lie straight from the evil spirit that fills my head with the bad thoughts. It has been a struggle for me to change that thinking but I am reprogramming my brain to think positive thoughts.

This is a lot easier said than done but my life didn't become unmanageable overnight and it won't become manageable overnight either. What I can say is that when I focus on the right thoughts good things happen. Always. However, there has been such an abundance of chaos and abuse in my relationships that it is difficult to stop those feelings from resurfacing.

As long as I remember to pray for what I need God will always walk me through that fire of chaos and uncertainty. He knows what I need and His plan will work out as long as I keep my mind occupied with the right thinking.

What You Hear Here, Stays Here

This is the confidentiality of recovery rooms. There is also anonymity and unity.

Sometimes it takes great strength and wisdom not to speak of others in a derogatory manner. Sometimes we see things in others that we don't like about ourselves and we want to point that out to them in hopes to relieve ourselves of our own misery.

This is called taking someone else's inventory instead of our own. The Bible tells us judge not others for you will be judged. Here is a thought for today.

How many times in a day do I have an inappropriate thought toward someone who is dressed in a way that I don't approve? How often do I judge my neighbour for how he treats his wife? How often do I say a bad word when I am frustrated because something isn't working out the way I want it to?

These are all judgements of others and it isn't my right to be critical of others when I am not perfect myself. When I concentrate on what is right I will do right. When I concentrate on what is wrong, I will do wrong. Think about that for today.

Our minds are powerful. Out thoughts lead us into temptation if we focus on it long enough. Change the way you think and you will change your life.

Listen To What You Hear

This evening I had a chance to sit on the other side.

I had a chance to chair tonights meeting. It was a different experience. Instead of sitting in the room and listening to the other addicts share their experience and think about what I wanted to share with them, I was sitting at the head of the table and leading the meeting. From this perspective I was able to listen to everyone and get the most out of being there.

Instead of looking at the floor or across the room I had a chance to look at everyone because they are looking at me. This is a big step in recovery. When I first started to come to the meetings I was shy and even though I needed to tell my story I had a hard time looking at anyone so I would choose to look at the floor or the ceiling.

That is the wonderful miracle about these rooms. We are all so different yet still so much alike. When I see the newcomer, I see myself now. I stayed after the meeting to chat with some of the people that attend regularly. Some of them are my friends and others are simply a voice to listen to.

I had a chance to laugh with them and let them tell me in not so many words, 'I told you so'. They were the ones that have been there from the start suggesting that I stay out of relationships. The kind of relationships that lead to intimacy.

I didn't listen to them. I decided to figure it out the hard way. I learned the hard way. I am grateful that these rooms are here for me. I keep coming back and I keep learning something new. The guy I attempted to have a relationship with is not coming back to the rooms. Not yet anyway. I pray that one day he will. That is all I can do for him or any other addict who is stuck in the darkness.

The best advice I had from my sponsor last night was this: 'you don't need a man to define who you are'

The best advice I had from my physchiatrist was this: 'when you can take responsibility for your actions you will not be a victim anymore'

When I was ready to listen to what I was hearing I started doing it. Get a sponsor, go to meetings, do your steps. It works!

Out Of The Darkness

I know a lot of us go through stages in our lives when we wish we could be someone else or we wish our parents didn't screw up so much. I was devastated when I found out my parents weren't perfect! Years later I felt like a failure when I found out that I wasn't perfect!

I would like to share a poem with you that I got from a great book I recently had the pleasure to read. It is a book called 'The Purpose Driven Life'. It has given me an abundance of strength and helped me to find my purpose in life.

You Are Not A Mistake

You are who you are for a reason. You're part of an intricate plan. You're a precious and perfect unique design, called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason. Our God made no mistake. He knit you together within the womb, you're just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose, and no matter how you may feel, they were custom-designed with God's plan in mind, and they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy, and God wept that it hurt you so; but it was allowed to shape your heart so that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason, you've been formed by the Master's rod. You are who you are, beloved, because there is a God!

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I am so grateful for the people in my life who support me and help me to see that I am worth it. I spent a lot of years wishing I could be anywhere but where I was. I know now that I have experienced the darkness so I could find my way to the light.

I am finding my way back to my heart. My heart was lost so many years ago when I lost myself. I fell into the darkness of addiction and managed to crawl into the light. Now I am letting my light shine bright and I hope that the flicker of light will catch the eye of another suffering addict.

I really believe that the lessons we learn in life are designed so we can grow and build character. I am not the same person I was four months ago. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. I love myself today. I love myself for the first time in my life!

Forgiveness has been the key to my recovery. I had to learn how to forgive myself for not being perfect. I screwed up. I made mistakes. I forgive myself and I forgive others. I no longer regret the past but I learn from it. The best is yet to come.

I will always have a special place in my heart for the people in my life that have known me since I was a young girl. They are part of who I am and who I am meant to be.

My parents have been my biggest support simply because they have always been there waiting for me to come out of my isolation and learn that it's ok to be me.

Thank you everyone for your comments.

Never Go Back

The most important lesson I have learned in my life is don't ever go back. No matter how hard it becomes to walk away from the past don't ever make the same mistake. I pray all the time for God to give me the strength and will power to change my thinking.

I don't want to wish things could be different anymore because even if my ex did change into the man I want him to become, he still is the man he used to be. He still hurt me, he still called me names, he still wished I was someone else. The best I can hope for is that he gets better and finds happiness with someone else. And I shall do the same.

The best lesson I can share with you is what I heard in recovery. Don't get into a relationship in early recovery. I am still learning who I am and what I want and putting my life into perspective and getting over the wreckage of my past.

I got into a relationship with a guy in the program and allowed myself to fall into the same patterns. He wasn't ready and ended up back out there drinking and eventually hurt me. He has been arrested and is waiting for his court date. I have heard that he may be using again and it breaks my heart because I wanted him to be different.

Do the steps! http://12step.org/ Get a sponsor! Go to meetings! It works. Try it for 90 days and then decide for yourself.

Let Your Light Shine

Tonight I went to a CA meeting. Cocaine Anonymous is another recovery room where addicts can go to listen to other cocaine addicts tell their stories.

This drug problem in our society is such an epidemic. I cannot believe how many people have been infected by cocaine and all other mind altering drugs. What is worse?

Having a substantial amount of clean time behind you and then throwing your hands into the air and giving up. That is worse. God does not want us to abuse our bodies like that. He doesn't want us to go back into the darkness once we have found the light. He wants us to let our lights shine bright so we can light the way for another addict.

Never give up Hope. There is Hope for the addicts and alcoholics in this world. All I had to do was step into a room called Narcotics Anonymous or NA for short. Then I heard about the room called CA. When I stepped in there I looked around and I could see a whole room full of people who are suffering with me. They listened to me babble in my early days and didn't judge me. They accepted me for who I am because they were once in my shoes.

They said it would work if I kept coming back so I did. Today I have Faith in the program. All it takes is coming to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. Believe in the program first. Just for today. And then tomorrow will come and we repeat the same thing. Believe in the program. Just for today. One day at a time. Call a friend if you feel like giving up. Pray to God to help you stay clean today.

I spent a long time trying to figure out how it was even possible for me to get into such a horrible position in life. I was the little girl who dressed up in pink dresses on Sundays and skipped into Sunday School Class. I loved it there. I sang the Bible story songs and listened intently to my teacher. I even received a little black Bible for memorizing my first Bible verse. I was so proud of that Bible. I still have it today and I think it is the only verse I ever read out of it.

Now I have about three or four different Bibles. Isn't it sad that it took me almost thirty years to really start reading. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. I continued on my childhood in Sunday School and Pioneer Girls, Brownies, Youth Groups and finally Bible Camp for two summers. I had no idea that would be the end of my spiritual growth - until now.

After years of struggling with my spirituality it led me down the path of darkness. I pretended to be happy in my marriage for the sake of my children. I always knew there was something missing in my life and it wasn't just my dad. I was missing my relationship with my Higher Power. I knew He existed because I always remembered being in Church as a kid and all those Bible stories I heard.

The darkness finally turned to light again. Four months ago today I took my last hoot off the crack pipe! I no longer regret the past or wish to close the door on it. The past is what has gotten me to Today. Today I live to tell my story and maybe that story can help one more person turn their back on crack.

It Works If You Work It Because You Are Worth It

I would like to share with you a few pages out of Melody Beattie's 'Language of Letting Go'.

It was something that really helped me in my early stages of recovery while I was trying to fix my relationship at the same time as fixing myself.

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Letting Go Of Those Not In Recovery

We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.

Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behaviour. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people's pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behaviour, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.

Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.

We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing, and love. The other side was a better place.

But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.

We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. Be we cannot make them come over with us.

If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.

The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reasures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.

Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I am meant to be.

And one more:

You Are Lovable

We go back...and back...and back...through the layers of fear, shame, rage, hurt, and negative incantations until we discover the exuberant, unencumbered, delightful, and lovable child that was, and still is, in us.

You are lovable. Yes, you.

Just because people haven't been there for you, just because certain people haven't been able to show love for you in ways that worked, just because relationships have failed or gone sour does not mean that you're unlovable.

You've had lessons to learn. Sometimes, those lessons have hurt.
Let go of the pain. Open your heart to love.

You are lovable.

You are loved.

Today, I will tell myself I'm lovable. I will do this until I believe it.

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Sometimes all we need is to listen to what works for others. My addiction counsellor reads from Melody's book. I listened to every word and then bought my own copy. I read from it on a daily basis. I also started reading the Bible and going to a Women's Bible Study once a week. (One of the facilitator's just happens to be my friend and sponsor.) I also go to Church and try to get to at least three 12 step meetings a week.

My spiritual sponsor encouraged me to do the steps, stay out of relationships for at least a year, grow a plant, go to 90 meetings in 90 days, listen with both ears and don't leave until the miracle happens.

Anything is possible........the power is already inside you.