Numb the Pain

Wow! What a journey I have been on.

I have been away for a while getting to know me. I found out that the place I like best in the world is inside me.

I found someone that I didn't even know existed when I searched for it. I have always looked outwardly to find my sense of self but that sent me on a wild and crazy chaotic trip through a world of darkness that terrified me.

When I was able to get to a place in my self I found a little light beaming in the corner of my soul. I opened the door and there I was standing in the place that I have been hiding from because I didn't want to hurt anymore. The reality is that I didn't ever stop hurting, I only numbed the pain behind drugs and an unhealthy relationship.

I found myself floating through time and looking at the life I lived always turning my back on God who was always there waiting for me to ask Him to help me find what I was looking for.

All along I was looking for me. I was scared to be me because I was afraid to be alone so I chose a path that would keep me away from true joy and happiness. That is right where Satan wants to keep me and as soon as I start to take my own will back I can see the difference in my life and in the people around me.

Letting go and letting God is not as easy as it sounds but it can be done with Faith. It is a process that takes much prayer and guidance and a constant contact with God in my heart. I saw Him working in my life but as soon as I let my guard down I saw a little glimpse of the place I used to be. That guard just happens to be the man I let into my life too soon.

I realized this afternoon just what a threat he is to my life. He is a threat because we have feelings for each other. The things that went wrong in that relationship will be a constant reminder to me that I should have listened to what was being said. Neither one of us have the tools to make a successful relationship because it takes time to learn those things.

It ended in a great deal of hurt and violence that would not have happened if we had waited long enough. We decided to do it our way and not God's way and one of us ended up back out there using drugs and alcohol to numb that pain.

I thank God every chance I can that I am still here and I know now more than ever how easy it is to fall into that darkness. Being in love with someone who doesn't love himself will only take me down the same road I came from and that is not a place I am willing to go again.