I went to church today. I feel like I am right where I need to be.
When I left my husband in Vancouver I had no idea where I would end up. I am glad that I followed this road because I am finding happiness. I am finding true friendships and I have learned how to forgive myself and those people who have harmed me.
Will I be able to forget about it? I hope so. I hope that if I continue to pray for it I will soon forget about the pain in my life. It feels so much better to have forgiveness in my heart. Life seems so much easier to live this way.
God showed me mercy a long time ago. Too bad my kids and I suffered for so much longer. Becoming an addict has been a blessing in my life. I had a difficult time trying to accept this life I chose but recently I have come to understand that as addicts we have been chosen to spread our message to others who suffer so perhaps some more can be saved.
Maybe I will never forget the horrible way I was treated but I know that I can forgive the horrible things that have happened to me and take responsibility for the choices I made.
I am making better decisions for my life now and that is a step in the right direction. It might take me the rest of my life to finish building the bridge but at least I am building it. It is a safe place to be and no body is going to stop me from getting over to the other side.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Victim or Victimized?
How do you write a victim impact statement when you don't want to be a victim?
I decided to write the statement because it could make a difference to the judge if he pleads guilty or is found guilty. I also want him to know that I do forgive him and I hope that he takes responsibility for his actions.
I am still having a hard time accepting that this guy turned out to be just like so many others. The truth is that I was in denial. He is an addict not working the program. I am an addict working the program.
Victim Impact Statement:
For the most part I try to focus on what was good about the relationship, however, when I look at my finger I replay the scene in my head and sometimes cry myself to sleep and pray my finger will heal and straighten. It has already been four and half weeks since this happened and the pain in my finger is still fresh and very real. I allowed myself to care about this guy and I ignored the warning signs of the abuse because I thought I could fix him myself. I am suffering with the pain in my left ring finger, looking at a swollen knuckle, remembering all the painful words and the harsh reality that I made a mistake but was too scared to let anyone know what was happening.
It ripped away at my heart again to hear what he said when the police took him away....(I gave her exactly what she wanted). It hasn't been easy to forgive him but I have because I know that I am responsible for my choice and I would be an emotional wreck if I didn't forgive him. I am angry for what he did and hurt because I really wanted him to be different.
Physically I experienced a lof of anxiety, a screwed up finger that may or may not ever heal properly, a few cuts from the car windows and bruises from his fingers clutching my arm. I am grateful to say that is all the physical damage to me, however, it is also too much. I hate that this happened and that I am a woman who accepted it as appropriate behaviour.
It has affected my life in ways that I didn't realize. Even though I am angry and hurt I still find myself thinking of the good person I thought he was. I look over my shoulders to see if he is following me or standing on the corner or walking into the same building as I am and trying to figure out if I should be afraid of him or not. Will he hurt me again or will he accept responsibility for his actions and leave me alone?
.....................................................................................
I know there is good in everyone. Sometimes it is buried deep inside and takes a lot of soul searching for that good to shine through.
I had coffee this evening with a friend of mine from the program. She also had the privelege of going out with this guy before I did. She warned me about him but I didn't listen to her because I had to figure it out for myself. I had another lesson to learn from him and I am grateful for that. The lessons I had to learn from my marriage took a very long time. At least this lesson only took a couple of months.
There is a reason they tell us not to get into relationships in early recovery because we are trying to learn about ourselves first and put the wreckage of the past behind us before we can truelly be happy. Most of us in recovery didn't like ourselves until several months into it. So if we don't like ourselves how can we possibly like someone else enough to be in a relationship with them?
I was married to a man for sixteen years who didn't love himself and he still doesn't. He talks to me on the phone and I can recognize things I never could before. If I wasn't in recovery I would still fall for the things he says.
It feels good to be here today. Four months ago I took my last hoot off the pipe and three days after that I quit smoking! I am almost divorced and I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. My thoughts are changing and I am making better choices for me and my children are seeing the improvements.
A funny thing happened when my friend and I were at Tim Horton's this evening. I was telling her about the horrible things that I had been feeling about men when I very nice dressed man approached us. He looked a little timid when he said to me, "Hi, I just wanted to tell you that you are very pretty." And he smiled and nodded, and I said, "thanks." I was shocked. That has never happened to me before. I asked my friend if this is where I should be chasing him out the door and asking him to dinner?
Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you because it was exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment. He was just a nice guy offering me a comment to help me feel good about myself with no strings attached. Maybe there are still some good ones left when I am ready for it!
I decided to write the statement because it could make a difference to the judge if he pleads guilty or is found guilty. I also want him to know that I do forgive him and I hope that he takes responsibility for his actions.
I am still having a hard time accepting that this guy turned out to be just like so many others. The truth is that I was in denial. He is an addict not working the program. I am an addict working the program.
Victim Impact Statement:
For the most part I try to focus on what was good about the relationship, however, when I look at my finger I replay the scene in my head and sometimes cry myself to sleep and pray my finger will heal and straighten. It has already been four and half weeks since this happened and the pain in my finger is still fresh and very real. I allowed myself to care about this guy and I ignored the warning signs of the abuse because I thought I could fix him myself. I am suffering with the pain in my left ring finger, looking at a swollen knuckle, remembering all the painful words and the harsh reality that I made a mistake but was too scared to let anyone know what was happening.
It ripped away at my heart again to hear what he said when the police took him away....(I gave her exactly what she wanted). It hasn't been easy to forgive him but I have because I know that I am responsible for my choice and I would be an emotional wreck if I didn't forgive him. I am angry for what he did and hurt because I really wanted him to be different.
Physically I experienced a lof of anxiety, a screwed up finger that may or may not ever heal properly, a few cuts from the car windows and bruises from his fingers clutching my arm. I am grateful to say that is all the physical damage to me, however, it is also too much. I hate that this happened and that I am a woman who accepted it as appropriate behaviour.
It has affected my life in ways that I didn't realize. Even though I am angry and hurt I still find myself thinking of the good person I thought he was. I look over my shoulders to see if he is following me or standing on the corner or walking into the same building as I am and trying to figure out if I should be afraid of him or not. Will he hurt me again or will he accept responsibility for his actions and leave me alone?
.....................................................................................
I know there is good in everyone. Sometimes it is buried deep inside and takes a lot of soul searching for that good to shine through.
I had coffee this evening with a friend of mine from the program. She also had the privelege of going out with this guy before I did. She warned me about him but I didn't listen to her because I had to figure it out for myself. I had another lesson to learn from him and I am grateful for that. The lessons I had to learn from my marriage took a very long time. At least this lesson only took a couple of months.
There is a reason they tell us not to get into relationships in early recovery because we are trying to learn about ourselves first and put the wreckage of the past behind us before we can truelly be happy. Most of us in recovery didn't like ourselves until several months into it. So if we don't like ourselves how can we possibly like someone else enough to be in a relationship with them?
I was married to a man for sixteen years who didn't love himself and he still doesn't. He talks to me on the phone and I can recognize things I never could before. If I wasn't in recovery I would still fall for the things he says.
It feels good to be here today. Four months ago I took my last hoot off the pipe and three days after that I quit smoking! I am almost divorced and I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. My thoughts are changing and I am making better choices for me and my children are seeing the improvements.
A funny thing happened when my friend and I were at Tim Horton's this evening. I was telling her about the horrible things that I had been feeling about men when I very nice dressed man approached us. He looked a little timid when he said to me, "Hi, I just wanted to tell you that you are very pretty." And he smiled and nodded, and I said, "thanks." I was shocked. That has never happened to me before. I asked my friend if this is where I should be chasing him out the door and asking him to dinner?
Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you because it was exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment. He was just a nice guy offering me a comment to help me feel good about myself with no strings attached. Maybe there are still some good ones left when I am ready for it!
Friday, September 28, 2007
Life Is Not A Dress Rehearsal
I am learning the importance of being in the rooms of recovery.
I have been clean and sober for almost four months now. I see how important it is to the newcomer who arrives with so many thoughts and feelings and emotions.
Confused, angry, lonely, scared and weak. Just like I was. They all told me what to expect and what works and what doesn't work. I chose to listen to what I wanted to and do things my way because I didn't trust anyone.
I am grateful that I started to listen to them. I am grateful that newcomers stay around so I can share my experience, strength and hope so maybe more of us can be saved from the clutches of darkness.
Days used to go by so fast when I was in active addiction. Now time goes by so much slower. Those keytags that represent clean time are a real reward to hold in my hand. It isn't what gives me strength to survive but it shows my family something real.
My strength to survive comes from faith within my heart and soul because of my Higher Power - God. He gives me what I need and all I have to do is thank Him and ask Him for what I need. I feel like a different person now.
I feel very sad when I see how hard people struggle to survive and stay free from active addiction. It breaks my heart to see them give up and go back out.
I have gotten to know a lot of people since I have been around here and I have already seen so many leave the rooms because they lost the light. Some may be back soon, others may not be back. Jails, Institutions or Death? We only get one chance to live this life. Rarely do we get another chance to make the right choice.
I choose Institutions. I am going into a treatment center. They might have a bed for me next Friday. I will not let this addiction win. Follow me to a better life.
God, take my will and my life and show me how to live clean. Just for today allow me to touch the hearts of those still suffering.
PS: (I am typing these blogs with a really screwed up finger. It still hurts. It is still swollen. It is still bent. But you are worth it!)
I have been clean and sober for almost four months now. I see how important it is to the newcomer who arrives with so many thoughts and feelings and emotions.
Confused, angry, lonely, scared and weak. Just like I was. They all told me what to expect and what works and what doesn't work. I chose to listen to what I wanted to and do things my way because I didn't trust anyone.
I am grateful that I started to listen to them. I am grateful that newcomers stay around so I can share my experience, strength and hope so maybe more of us can be saved from the clutches of darkness.
Days used to go by so fast when I was in active addiction. Now time goes by so much slower. Those keytags that represent clean time are a real reward to hold in my hand. It isn't what gives me strength to survive but it shows my family something real.
My strength to survive comes from faith within my heart and soul because of my Higher Power - God. He gives me what I need and all I have to do is thank Him and ask Him for what I need. I feel like a different person now.
I feel very sad when I see how hard people struggle to survive and stay free from active addiction. It breaks my heart to see them give up and go back out.
I have gotten to know a lot of people since I have been around here and I have already seen so many leave the rooms because they lost the light. Some may be back soon, others may not be back. Jails, Institutions or Death? We only get one chance to live this life. Rarely do we get another chance to make the right choice.
I choose Institutions. I am going into a treatment center. They might have a bed for me next Friday. I will not let this addiction win. Follow me to a better life.
God, take my will and my life and show me how to live clean. Just for today allow me to touch the hearts of those still suffering.
PS: (I am typing these blogs with a really screwed up finger. It still hurts. It is still swollen. It is still bent. But you are worth it!)
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Don't Let Addiction Win
Recovery can be so easy for some and so difficult for others.
I went away for only eleven days. I have been home for two. Already my heart is saddened. So many things change in such a short time. We all work so hard to stay clean and sober. I have heard and seen how hard people work the program but yet there is a driving force that takes over which sends them back to using or drinking or both.
The rooms of recovery are merely a place to go to learn about addiction. In those rooms we find other people who are suffering from the same disease. We listen to their stories. We relate to some, pity others, and thank God it isn't ours. What isn't seen in those rooms is the power of the Higher Power. Step Two: we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. That power is Faith. Faith in God. He can and will save us from that driving force if we let Him. The only way to let Him is to ask Him.
Some of us have a hard time asking for help or picking up the phone to call a family member or our sponsor. How hard is it to pray to God for help? It isn't. It is only hard if we don't believe. We have spent so much time believing that drugs and alcohol could help that we have lost sight of the most valuable gift we have been given. We already figured out that the drugs and alcohol are not helping because we are in the rooms. Why not try believing that God will help.
Ask Him everyday to help. Try it. I will tell you about the miracles that have happened in my life since I gave my will and my life over to the care of God. But first you have to believe.
I went away for only eleven days. I have been home for two. Already my heart is saddened. So many things change in such a short time. We all work so hard to stay clean and sober. I have heard and seen how hard people work the program but yet there is a driving force that takes over which sends them back to using or drinking or both.
The rooms of recovery are merely a place to go to learn about addiction. In those rooms we find other people who are suffering from the same disease. We listen to their stories. We relate to some, pity others, and thank God it isn't ours. What isn't seen in those rooms is the power of the Higher Power. Step Two: we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. That power is Faith. Faith in God. He can and will save us from that driving force if we let Him. The only way to let Him is to ask Him.
Some of us have a hard time asking for help or picking up the phone to call a family member or our sponsor. How hard is it to pray to God for help? It isn't. It is only hard if we don't believe. We have spent so much time believing that drugs and alcohol could help that we have lost sight of the most valuable gift we have been given. We already figured out that the drugs and alcohol are not helping because we are in the rooms. Why not try believing that God will help.
Ask Him everyday to help. Try it. I will tell you about the miracles that have happened in my life since I gave my will and my life over to the care of God. But first you have to believe.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
There is Hope
I said I would be coming home with my head screwed on tighter.
I needed this visit with my Dad and the time away from my new home so I could straighten out my head and get into my heart.
I am going to be divorced soon. It feels like freedom already but I guess that is because I have been clean and sober for almost four months now. I am free from addiction and the abusive relationships.
I decided to follow the advice of a very dear friend of mine. He suggested I should get a seed and grow a plant before I try to grow a relationship. He also suggested reading the Bible.
I took his advice. I read six books in the Bible on my way home and I have a piece of a plant in water waiting for it to grow roots!
There is Hope. My friend is from the rooms of recovery. He has over nine years clean and sober. He found Hope. He found God. He found Faith. He found a better way to live. He has a beautiful new family. He and his wife gave me a lot of inspiration to change my life.
Faith, Hope and Courage are only a few things that are available to us when we believe that God can restore us to sanity. By the Grace of God all things are possible if we can simply believe in ourselves. God believes in us, why can't we?
I needed this visit with my Dad and the time away from my new home so I could straighten out my head and get into my heart.
I am going to be divorced soon. It feels like freedom already but I guess that is because I have been clean and sober for almost four months now. I am free from addiction and the abusive relationships.
I decided to follow the advice of a very dear friend of mine. He suggested I should get a seed and grow a plant before I try to grow a relationship. He also suggested reading the Bible.
I took his advice. I read six books in the Bible on my way home and I have a piece of a plant in water waiting for it to grow roots!
There is Hope. My friend is from the rooms of recovery. He has over nine years clean and sober. He found Hope. He found God. He found Faith. He found a better way to live. He has a beautiful new family. He and his wife gave me a lot of inspiration to change my life.
Faith, Hope and Courage are only a few things that are available to us when we believe that God can restore us to sanity. By the Grace of God all things are possible if we can simply believe in ourselves. God believes in us, why can't we?
Monday, September 24, 2007
Let Go To Save Your Life
They warned me about him. I wouldn't listen to anyone. I had to do things my way.
When we are in recovery we need to focus on ourselves and stay out of relationships. It makes sense. Too bad I didn't listen in the beginning.
He could have seriously hurt me. By the Grace of God he only hurt my finger. It seemed like he was trying to break my arm but he was unsuccessful. I managed to pull my arm from his grasp but not before he twisted and squeezed my hand and as I struggled he pulled my ring finger straight out from its socket. I thought it was broken. It wasn't. It is merely very swollen and sore. The knuckle is bulging and the finger is bent but I am not a victim.
If I allow myself to dwell on this incident I will be a victim. Instead, I am choosing to accept responsibility in my actions and forgive him. I will learn from it and I will heal from it.
This happened four weeks ago. He went to jail for a few days before he was released on bail. I pray for him almost everyday. He is an addict who still suffers. Does he deserve to go to jail because he got drunk and scared? Maybe. Or maybe he is reaching out for help himself.
When we are in recovery we need to focus on ourselves and stay out of relationships. It makes sense. Too bad I didn't listen in the beginning.
He could have seriously hurt me. By the Grace of God he only hurt my finger. It seemed like he was trying to break my arm but he was unsuccessful. I managed to pull my arm from his grasp but not before he twisted and squeezed my hand and as I struggled he pulled my ring finger straight out from its socket. I thought it was broken. It wasn't. It is merely very swollen and sore. The knuckle is bulging and the finger is bent but I am not a victim.
If I allow myself to dwell on this incident I will be a victim. Instead, I am choosing to accept responsibility in my actions and forgive him. I will learn from it and I will heal from it.
This happened four weeks ago. He went to jail for a few days before he was released on bail. I pray for him almost everyday. He is an addict who still suffers. Does he deserve to go to jail because he got drunk and scared? Maybe. Or maybe he is reaching out for help himself.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Family is Forever
Today I went to church with my Uncle and my Mom and Step-Dad. We went to see my Cousin play his guitar and sing at the church that he and his wife go to. It was so awesome seeing Darren play that guitar and sing. I remember when he used to play the banjo when he was five! Who knew?
I am so proud of him. I hadn't seen him since our Grandma passed on. We only had a little while to visit but it seemed like it was only Yesterday. It always seems like time stands still when it comes to family. How is it that we watch our children grow up so fast and wonder where the time goes but when we see family members after long periods of time have passed, it seems like no time has passed at all?
Time is the most precious gift we can give one and other. Life is too short to hold resentments or feelings of guilt. Forgive yourself for your short comings. Pick up the phone and call your family member that you haven't seen for a while. Tell them you love them. Forgive them if there is something to be forgiven. Pride is one of the biggest reasons that families fall apart. Don't let your pride get in the way. You might not get a chance to say what has been on your mind. Pick up that 1000 pound telephone and call.
Family is forever. Don't let them slip away. I have to go home tomorrow and I am so grateful I had this time to spend with my family. Being with them helped me to see just how important they are to me and how sorry I am that I didn't get enough time with them over the years.
Years have passed by so quickly. So quickly we forget about what is important. God never forgets about us, how is it that we can so easily forget about each other?
I am so proud of him. I hadn't seen him since our Grandma passed on. We only had a little while to visit but it seemed like it was only Yesterday. It always seems like time stands still when it comes to family. How is it that we watch our children grow up so fast and wonder where the time goes but when we see family members after long periods of time have passed, it seems like no time has passed at all?
Time is the most precious gift we can give one and other. Life is too short to hold resentments or feelings of guilt. Forgive yourself for your short comings. Pick up the phone and call your family member that you haven't seen for a while. Tell them you love them. Forgive them if there is something to be forgiven. Pride is one of the biggest reasons that families fall apart. Don't let your pride get in the way. You might not get a chance to say what has been on your mind. Pick up that 1000 pound telephone and call.
Family is forever. Don't let them slip away. I have to go home tomorrow and I am so grateful I had this time to spend with my family. Being with them helped me to see just how important they are to me and how sorry I am that I didn't get enough time with them over the years.
Years have passed by so quickly. So quickly we forget about what is important. God never forgets about us, how is it that we can so easily forget about each other?
Saturday, September 22, 2007
The Gift of Today
I cried myself to sleep last night. I was saying goodbye to Daddy in my own way. I know it won't be for long this time but it was still hard knowing that in the morning he would be getting on that plane...........
I can't believe what a huge support he has been in my recovery, even from 7000 kilometers away. He had been emailing my Mom for several months before he arrived, just to keep tabs on what was happening. He wanted to come and rescue me long before he got here. What he doesn't know is that he rescued me when he showed me just how much he cared. He cared enough to call me everyday for the last four months of my life. Just to say he loved me.
I haven't had a close relationship with my Dad. He decided to go home to Australia many years ago. I am so grateful that he had that opportunity to spend that time with his Mom before she passed on. I can say that now because I am learning life's lessons. We don't always get what we want but we always get what we need. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it at the moment but once we realize the purpose we have in life, life becomes easier to live.
Dad and I are very lucky to have the relationship we have now. It was hard over the years not having him as a part of my life. I didn't realize how much I needed him and I am grateful I still have him. He is a huge part of who I am today.
I learned just how much we are alike. I learned that he is kind, gentle, caring, funny, lovable, nurturing, sensitive and emotional. He is human and he makes mistakes. He isn't perfect either. Thank you Daddy. I am happy to be your daughter. I am proud to call you Dad.
We had a great time together and after he left I got to spend some quality time with another important person in my family. My Uncle Ed. He too is an inspiration to me. He isn't perfect either. He had been struggling for years to find peace in his life. He helped me to see that my addiction is a blessing and I didn't have to be ashamed. It happens to so many people. It is the path to righteousness. Through working the 12 Steps I found my way back to God. Through God I have regained my faith. Through faith I have found peace. Through peace I have found forgiveness. Through forgiveness I have found strength. Through strength I have found recovery. Through recovery I have found freedom, freedom from addiction and freedom from controlling relationships.
Happiness is something we get from happenings in our lives. Joy comes from the Spirit within us. Faith in God keeps us clean and sober because He knows what is in our hearts. He knows our secrets and He will help us if we ask Him to. One day at a time. Each day is a gift from God. Tomorrow is yet to come.
I can't believe what a huge support he has been in my recovery, even from 7000 kilometers away. He had been emailing my Mom for several months before he arrived, just to keep tabs on what was happening. He wanted to come and rescue me long before he got here. What he doesn't know is that he rescued me when he showed me just how much he cared. He cared enough to call me everyday for the last four months of my life. Just to say he loved me.
I haven't had a close relationship with my Dad. He decided to go home to Australia many years ago. I am so grateful that he had that opportunity to spend that time with his Mom before she passed on. I can say that now because I am learning life's lessons. We don't always get what we want but we always get what we need. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it at the moment but once we realize the purpose we have in life, life becomes easier to live.
Dad and I are very lucky to have the relationship we have now. It was hard over the years not having him as a part of my life. I didn't realize how much I needed him and I am grateful I still have him. He is a huge part of who I am today.
I learned just how much we are alike. I learned that he is kind, gentle, caring, funny, lovable, nurturing, sensitive and emotional. He is human and he makes mistakes. He isn't perfect either. Thank you Daddy. I am happy to be your daughter. I am proud to call you Dad.
We had a great time together and after he left I got to spend some quality time with another important person in my family. My Uncle Ed. He too is an inspiration to me. He isn't perfect either. He had been struggling for years to find peace in his life. He helped me to see that my addiction is a blessing and I didn't have to be ashamed. It happens to so many people. It is the path to righteousness. Through working the 12 Steps I found my way back to God. Through God I have regained my faith. Through faith I have found peace. Through peace I have found forgiveness. Through forgiveness I have found strength. Through strength I have found recovery. Through recovery I have found freedom, freedom from addiction and freedom from controlling relationships.
Happiness is something we get from happenings in our lives. Joy comes from the Spirit within us. Faith in God keeps us clean and sober because He knows what is in our hearts. He knows our secrets and He will help us if we ask Him to. One day at a time. Each day is a gift from God. Tomorrow is yet to come.
Friday, September 21, 2007
I Won't Say Goodbye, I Will Say See You Later
Today
She had to leave her Dad at the airport to board his plane back to Brisbane, Australia. They decided it would be easier this time to drop him off outside the doors of the airport so they didn't have to see each other cry. It was so hard on both of them the last time..............
Yesterday
When she took her Dad to the airport to board his plane to Sydney, Australia in February 1988 she didn't realize it would be years before he would be back. She was eighteen years old with a baby in her arms, standing on the other side of the glass wall as she watched her Daddy walk away. She cried for him to come back but he didn't. She thought she was being abandoned at the time.
Today
She realizes that he had to do what he had to do to experience the things he had to experience to build character and become the person he is today. She had to do the same thing. She spent all these years worrying about the way she felt about it and didn't stop for even a moment to think about what it was like for her Dad to leave. She didn't even stop long enough to think about how her Mom was feeling about her Dad leaving. Now she knows.
Tomorrow
All these lessons we have to learn in life are so we can make better decisions for Tomorrow based on what we learned from Yesterday. Today I am thankful because I know more than I did Yesterday and Tomorrow I will know more.
She had to leave her Dad at the airport to board his plane back to Brisbane, Australia. They decided it would be easier this time to drop him off outside the doors of the airport so they didn't have to see each other cry. It was so hard on both of them the last time..............
Yesterday
When she took her Dad to the airport to board his plane to Sydney, Australia in February 1988 she didn't realize it would be years before he would be back. She was eighteen years old with a baby in her arms, standing on the other side of the glass wall as she watched her Daddy walk away. She cried for him to come back but he didn't. She thought she was being abandoned at the time.
Today
She realizes that he had to do what he had to do to experience the things he had to experience to build character and become the person he is today. She had to do the same thing. She spent all these years worrying about the way she felt about it and didn't stop for even a moment to think about what it was like for her Dad to leave. She didn't even stop long enough to think about how her Mom was feeling about her Dad leaving. Now she knows.
Tomorrow
All these lessons we have to learn in life are so we can make better decisions for Tomorrow based on what we learned from Yesterday. Today I am thankful because I know more than I did Yesterday and Tomorrow I will know more.
A Journey Back Through Time
Yesterday turns into Today.........
It was just what she needed. A trip. A boat. Visiting old family friends. Time alone with her Dad whom she hadn't seen in almost seventeen years.
They say in recovery you need to open the doors to the past so you can find your way into your heart. She stopped using drugs on June 2, 2007. She left the past behind when she started to build that bridge and realized that she had shut the doors on the past so long ago. She had spent so much of her life focusing on all the things that were unpleasant that she had forgotten so much of her life.
She took a trip with her Dad back to a place in time that had brought her so much joy when she was a kid. She got to visit with old friends that were such a huge part of her life. (People come and go, friendship lasts forever.) People come into your life for a Reason, a Season, and a Lifetime, when you figure out which one it is, you will know exactly what to do.... It is too bad that it took her and her Dad what seemed like a lifetime to figure this one out! They visited places she hadn't been to since she was a child. Just like the Doctor's ordered. Stop thinking with her head and start thinking with her heart.
She found her heart. She remembered happy times from yesterday and brought home some new happy memories for today and tomorrow. The best is yet to come.
Thanks Heather and Kent.
It was just what she needed. A trip. A boat. Visiting old family friends. Time alone with her Dad whom she hadn't seen in almost seventeen years.
They say in recovery you need to open the doors to the past so you can find your way into your heart. She stopped using drugs on June 2, 2007. She left the past behind when she started to build that bridge and realized that she had shut the doors on the past so long ago. She had spent so much of her life focusing on all the things that were unpleasant that she had forgotten so much of her life.
She took a trip with her Dad back to a place in time that had brought her so much joy when she was a kid. She got to visit with old friends that were such a huge part of her life. (People come and go, friendship lasts forever.) People come into your life for a Reason, a Season, and a Lifetime, when you figure out which one it is, you will know exactly what to do.... It is too bad that it took her and her Dad what seemed like a lifetime to figure this one out! They visited places she hadn't been to since she was a child. Just like the Doctor's ordered. Stop thinking with her head and start thinking with her heart.
She found her heart. She remembered happy times from yesterday and brought home some new happy memories for today and tomorrow. The best is yet to come.
Thanks Heather and Kent.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Build a bridge and get over it!
No one ever said that recovery from addiction or alcoholism would be easy. It is much easier to submerge ourselves with drugs and alcohol than it is to feel. Who wants to be a blubbering idiot anyway right?
I do. I would rather feel the feelings that I have locked away than puff on the pipe again. The unrealistic feelings I remember when I was high are so far from reality. I found myself crying out to anyone who would listen but the problem was that all of my associates were just as much an addict as I am. I am accepting the things I cannot change and realizing that I am a recovering addict and it is ok to be me.
I know I will always have a problem with drugs now but what I am understanding is that there is a way to recover. Addiction is a disease but unlike some diseases this one can be cured. It is called Narcotics Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous. One day at a time is all it takes to be free from active addiction. I pray to God everyday to keep me free from addiction. I pray for His will for me and repeat the Serenity Prayer as often as I need to. The 12 steps of recovery have a spiritual foundation that I have found to be the strength I needed to start building my bridge to a better place.
What other people think of me is none of my business. I only hope that my experiences with drugs might help someone who still suffers.
Now that I am learning to live better I am going to be able to do better.
I do. I would rather feel the feelings that I have locked away than puff on the pipe again. The unrealistic feelings I remember when I was high are so far from reality. I found myself crying out to anyone who would listen but the problem was that all of my associates were just as much an addict as I am. I am accepting the things I cannot change and realizing that I am a recovering addict and it is ok to be me.
I know I will always have a problem with drugs now but what I am understanding is that there is a way to recover. Addiction is a disease but unlike some diseases this one can be cured. It is called Narcotics Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous. One day at a time is all it takes to be free from active addiction. I pray to God everyday to keep me free from addiction. I pray for His will for me and repeat the Serenity Prayer as often as I need to. The 12 steps of recovery have a spiritual foundation that I have found to be the strength I needed to start building my bridge to a better place.
What other people think of me is none of my business. I only hope that my experiences with drugs might help someone who still suffers.
Now that I am learning to live better I am going to be able to do better.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
When nothing changes, nothing changes
Yesterday............
She was really surprised to find acceptance and understanding in the rooms of recovery.
She didn't know what to expect when she got off that bus. She was scared and confused but at least she was safe and with her mom.
Her mind was not altogether and she was very worried about her boys back home with their father who was still using crack. What's worse is that he would walk around in front of them smoking it!! She felt powerless and out of control then and even more so since she left.
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
She cannot tell you how many times over the course of her 38 years that she has heard or seen this prayer. It is the foundation prayer of recovery and when she learned to accept it with a lot of help she was able to worry less and concentrate more on fixing what she could about herself.
The only person she has the power to change in this life is herself. When she stopped using so much energy on trying to change or control other people she was able to work on changing things about herself.
Each day that we look forward with positive anticipation, we put the wreckage of the past farther from our minds.
Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.
(from my daily meditation readings)
YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW
There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of those days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.
The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds-but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is as yet unborn.
This leaves only one day - today! Any man can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities - yesterday and tomorrow - that we break down.
It is not the experience of today that drives me mad - it is the remorse of bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.
Let Us Therefore Live But One Day At A Time!!
(from Alcoholics Anonymous)
Today............
She is finding it easier to live life on life's terms because of the addiction. The rooms of recovery and treatment centers and addiction counsellors have been a great deal of help to her. She believes without that encouragement she would not be where she is today.
A Reason A Season and A Lifetime
People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason, you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up our out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow and learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. Many may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.
LIFETIME relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life.....
(author unknown to me)
Tomorrow.............
Don't Quit
Don't quit when the tide is lowest, for it's just about to turn.
Don't quit over doubts and questions, for there's something you may learn.
Don't quit when the night is darkest, for it's just a while 'til dawn.
Don't quit when you've run the farthest, for the race is almost won.
Don't quit when the hill is steepest, for your goal is almost nigh.
Don't quit, for you're not a failure until you fail to try!
(from a bookmark I have)
It works if you work it, so work it 'cause you're worth it........
These past months have been a spiritual journey for her. She has come to believe that she made the right choice when she got on that bus yesterday. The journey continues as she builds a bridge to a better life and she realizes that there is no destination, only a continuous learning experience that she can pass on to others who may benefit from her story.
May God Bless You and Keep You Forever Young!
She was really surprised to find acceptance and understanding in the rooms of recovery.
She didn't know what to expect when she got off that bus. She was scared and confused but at least she was safe and with her mom.
Her mind was not altogether and she was very worried about her boys back home with their father who was still using crack. What's worse is that he would walk around in front of them smoking it!! She felt powerless and out of control then and even more so since she left.
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
She cannot tell you how many times over the course of her 38 years that she has heard or seen this prayer. It is the foundation prayer of recovery and when she learned to accept it with a lot of help she was able to worry less and concentrate more on fixing what she could about herself.
The only person she has the power to change in this life is herself. When she stopped using so much energy on trying to change or control other people she was able to work on changing things about herself.
Each day that we look forward with positive anticipation, we put the wreckage of the past farther from our minds.
Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.
(from my daily meditation readings)
YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW
There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of those days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.
The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds-but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is as yet unborn.
This leaves only one day - today! Any man can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities - yesterday and tomorrow - that we break down.
It is not the experience of today that drives me mad - it is the remorse of bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.
Let Us Therefore Live But One Day At A Time!!
(from Alcoholics Anonymous)
Today............
She is finding it easier to live life on life's terms because of the addiction. The rooms of recovery and treatment centers and addiction counsellors have been a great deal of help to her. She believes without that encouragement she would not be where she is today.
A Reason A Season and A Lifetime
People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason, you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up our out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow and learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. Many may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.
LIFETIME relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life.....
(author unknown to me)
Tomorrow.............
Don't Quit
Don't quit when the tide is lowest, for it's just about to turn.
Don't quit over doubts and questions, for there's something you may learn.
Don't quit when the night is darkest, for it's just a while 'til dawn.
Don't quit when you've run the farthest, for the race is almost won.
Don't quit when the hill is steepest, for your goal is almost nigh.
Don't quit, for you're not a failure until you fail to try!
(from a bookmark I have)
It works if you work it, so work it 'cause you're worth it........
These past months have been a spiritual journey for her. She has come to believe that she made the right choice when she got on that bus yesterday. The journey continues as she builds a bridge to a better life and she realizes that there is no destination, only a continuous learning experience that she can pass on to others who may benefit from her story.
May God Bless You and Keep You Forever Young!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Yesterday
June 8, 2007
After 18 years she is sitting by herself looking out the window of the bus she sits on alone watching the years pass through her thoughts. Is she making the right choice this time? Should she turn around and go back?
She is seeing all the sites they used to see together when they loved each other. Do they love each other anymore? Is love never having to say you're sorry? Love is kind, love is gentle, love is true, love is strong, love is unconditional and love is everlasting. Do we really love each other if we have so much to be sorry for?
She loved him with all her heart for so long and always wondered if he really truely loved her enough.
He broke her heart over and over again through the eighteen years but she always thought one day it would be worth the wait. It wasn't. In fact, it has now been six months of living hell.
They started using crack cocaine. First it was cocaine on special occasions. Then it became more frequent and then frequent turned into often until one day often turned into crack cocaine everyday. He used the drugs to hide the pain he was tired of feeling because she was unfaithful to him and he could not let it go. She was unfaithful to him to hide the pain she felt from him being unfaithful to her. As much as she begged him to forgive her and love her he could not let her stop feeling guilty. So she too turned to the drugs so she could stop feeling.
It didn't work. All it did was make them feel even more sadness. As they locked themselves in their bedroom sucking on the pipe, their lives slowly turned to nothing.
Their kids lost all respect for them and the oldest boy ended up flunking out of high school and turned to marijuana and alcohol himself. He is only sixteen.
She never meant to hurt anyone and now all she seems to do is hurt everyone. Alone as she travels as far away as she can get, she sheds a tear everytime she thinks about the horrible events that have led to this day. She met a man she never knew existed in her husband and she is scared of him. She doesn't know him and she doesn't like him. She wonders if her husband will ever be back. She wonders if her family will ever be together again.
Is she still making the right decision? Is there love out there to take the place of the love she lost to crack cocaine?
She misses the love they once knew and wonders if he will ever remember it. She misses her kids so much and tried so hard to see them before she left but he wouldn't let her. He used them as a bargaining tool to try to get her to come back for some more emotional and physical abuse.
It was a very hard decision for her to get on that bus heading to nowhere. She didn't have a home anymore and needed to get her head on straight and stop feeling guilt and shame. It has been destroying her very existence. She spent many days over the past months staring into the mirror not knowing who she is anymore and right before she got on that bus to the start of her new life she started to remember who she was.
She is that good little christian girl that he had married. She was born a Baptist. She was baptized when she was 12 and she has managed to recover the faith she once knew. That faith has helped her to stop feeling so much guilt.
Everyone believed that her Valentine's Day episode was a fake. (will tell you sometime) It was her spiritual awakening to help her find her way out. This is a similar thing that happens to all recovering addicts. Most of them don't realize it and the one's that aren't ready to accept their disease will call it psychosis. She is not crazy. She is just crazy in love. Or so she thought for a long time anyway. I guess really just going crazy hearing her husband tell her how horrible she is. How much he hates her and could never forgive her. How he wishes he never married her and wants her out of his life forever.
Not an easy thing to hear when your brain is completely clouded with drugs that alter your brain. But as she slowly comes back to reality she realizes that all the things he is saying is coming from a brain that is almost like jell-o. A reality of thoughts and feelings that are hidden behind the guilt and shame that he bares himself.
She finally had to stop trying to help a person who doesn't want to be helped. She gave up on him and now here she sits alone looking out the window of the Greyhound bus as it passes by all the places they had been together and she tries not to cry anymore.
After 18 years she is sitting by herself looking out the window of the bus she sits on alone watching the years pass through her thoughts. Is she making the right choice this time? Should she turn around and go back?
She is seeing all the sites they used to see together when they loved each other. Do they love each other anymore? Is love never having to say you're sorry? Love is kind, love is gentle, love is true, love is strong, love is unconditional and love is everlasting. Do we really love each other if we have so much to be sorry for?
She loved him with all her heart for so long and always wondered if he really truely loved her enough.
He broke her heart over and over again through the eighteen years but she always thought one day it would be worth the wait. It wasn't. In fact, it has now been six months of living hell.
They started using crack cocaine. First it was cocaine on special occasions. Then it became more frequent and then frequent turned into often until one day often turned into crack cocaine everyday. He used the drugs to hide the pain he was tired of feeling because she was unfaithful to him and he could not let it go. She was unfaithful to him to hide the pain she felt from him being unfaithful to her. As much as she begged him to forgive her and love her he could not let her stop feeling guilty. So she too turned to the drugs so she could stop feeling.
It didn't work. All it did was make them feel even more sadness. As they locked themselves in their bedroom sucking on the pipe, their lives slowly turned to nothing.
Their kids lost all respect for them and the oldest boy ended up flunking out of high school and turned to marijuana and alcohol himself. He is only sixteen.
She never meant to hurt anyone and now all she seems to do is hurt everyone. Alone as she travels as far away as she can get, she sheds a tear everytime she thinks about the horrible events that have led to this day. She met a man she never knew existed in her husband and she is scared of him. She doesn't know him and she doesn't like him. She wonders if her husband will ever be back. She wonders if her family will ever be together again.
Is she still making the right decision? Is there love out there to take the place of the love she lost to crack cocaine?
She misses the love they once knew and wonders if he will ever remember it. She misses her kids so much and tried so hard to see them before she left but he wouldn't let her. He used them as a bargaining tool to try to get her to come back for some more emotional and physical abuse.
It was a very hard decision for her to get on that bus heading to nowhere. She didn't have a home anymore and needed to get her head on straight and stop feeling guilt and shame. It has been destroying her very existence. She spent many days over the past months staring into the mirror not knowing who she is anymore and right before she got on that bus to the start of her new life she started to remember who she was.
She is that good little christian girl that he had married. She was born a Baptist. She was baptized when she was 12 and she has managed to recover the faith she once knew. That faith has helped her to stop feeling so much guilt.
Everyone believed that her Valentine's Day episode was a fake. (will tell you sometime) It was her spiritual awakening to help her find her way out. This is a similar thing that happens to all recovering addicts. Most of them don't realize it and the one's that aren't ready to accept their disease will call it psychosis. She is not crazy. She is just crazy in love. Or so she thought for a long time anyway. I guess really just going crazy hearing her husband tell her how horrible she is. How much he hates her and could never forgive her. How he wishes he never married her and wants her out of his life forever.
Not an easy thing to hear when your brain is completely clouded with drugs that alter your brain. But as she slowly comes back to reality she realizes that all the things he is saying is coming from a brain that is almost like jell-o. A reality of thoughts and feelings that are hidden behind the guilt and shame that he bares himself.
She finally had to stop trying to help a person who doesn't want to be helped. She gave up on him and now here she sits alone looking out the window of the Greyhound bus as it passes by all the places they had been together and she tries not to cry anymore.
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