Facing Fear

Wow!.....
It has been a long time since I have been here. I have been really working hard on my recovery. I have been given trust back from my Mom. She helped me to buy a car and I also got a job. All things come in time if we don't rush them.

I can't believe the struggles I have come through. I took my six month key tag from CA the other night. I was holding it in my hand and mesmerized by the two words. I took a moment to reflect on the past six months of change in my life. I have grown into a person I really love.

The disease of addiction take control of every aspect of your life. We begin to make changes in ourselves and eventually the family and friends that we hurt so much begin to forgive us. Good things started to happen in my life and I have never been happier.

I am doing my best to live in God's will and since I have been doing that I have nothing to want for. God IS taking care of me. He really is in control. It hasn't been easy to do but I pray every day for Him to take control of my life and help me live. He has given me peace.

I stood up in church today in front of all those people and gave my testimony. What an incredible experience that was. I overcame a fear of mine. I have heard in recovery to face your fears to put them behind you.

I am making some great plans these days. I am looking forward to seeing how my plan manifests in my life. I have changed everything about myself. Or maybe I have found myself. I have been lost for so many years and now I feel like a new person. I love it!

Yesterday Is Getting Clearer

I know I have only been recovering for about six months but I can already start to look back with a clearer picture of yesterday.

I had a wonderful opportunity to listen tonight at a speaker meeting. There is a drug awareness week going on around Southern Alberta and I had a chance to partake in that. I heard a story again tonight that I heard about four months ago when I first came here.

This person has ten years clean and sober. He works at a treatment center and also a detox center. He has made a huge impact on my recovery because some of the things he said tonight helped me to remember what he had said before. I am grateful that this person had an impact on my being asked to leave the treatment center I was in at that time.

At that time I was in treatment I really wasn't ready to be there. I still knew everything and someone else needed to be there more than me. I was more interested in dressing pretty to impress my boyfriend. The boyfriend I shouldn't have had at that time. I am grateful for the boyfriend too. He was a good teacher for me. We taught each other a lot of things and we fell into the early recovery relationship trap.

I would rather work on him then work on me. I would rather save him then save me. I don't have a problem. He has the problem and I am going to save him. It feels as good as being on drugs to be in a relationship. It is hard to stay out of those relationships but if we listen to the old timers they can help.

They know because they have been there. It starts off beautifully until one day old habits come out and we begin to self sabatoge because we don't really know how to deal with anything except having sex. Sex always makes it all better. We will stay clean together and maybe hit a few meetings but we won't call anyone anymore because we are too busy having sex and not working on our steps.

Sound familiar? It happens. Rarely do we see a successful relationship in early recovery. It can lead to one or both turning back to drinking or drugging or both because feelings start to get stuffed and then it burns.

This person at the meeting tonight shared a story about his highschool sweetheart who he was going to marry. She was a needle junkie who decided to clean up. It worked for her. She did everything she needed to do always until one day after thirty seven years clean and sober she became complacent. Work, life, kids, husband, meetings all became unneccessary for her so she stopped. So did her heart stop beating after she stuck that needle in one more time.

It can so easily be taken away from us if we let our guard down. Focus on your recovery and become aware that once the addiction has been addressed it is always there. It will always tell you that one more time won't hurt. It might kill you but it might not hurt you. It might kill you and it will hurt your family and the people close to you.

Don't give up hope. It can be conquered. Stick to the program. Talk to people who know. It isn't a game. There is a reason we have this program called recovery. It works.

Stay out of that relationship you are so dying to be in. It might still be there when you are ready to have it. If it is meant to be it because the best is yet to come.

Is Anyone Listening To Me?

Wow! What an amazing experience it is to be sitting in a meeting for recovering alcoholics and addicts.

I am a part of something spectacular and it feels warm and welcoming to have that kind of bond with people who have at least one thing in common. We are addicts. We are recovering from the disease of addiction and we need each other to begin the journey.

This disease affects my feelings. I am hurt and I don't want to have to feel the pain so I cover it up with drugs. I didn't realize how much I was hurting until I stopped using drugs. Now I am finding life a lot easier to live because I know that I have those emotions.

During my marriage I spent day after day bursting inside because I had so much to say and I was never able to spit it out. I had so much guilt and shame for the mistakes that I made and so much hurt inside from the mistakes that my husband made. I didn't want to feel that hurt or guilt so using drugs was a way to escape the real world.

I felt like a little child stomping my feet and screaming inside. Does anyone hear me? Why won't you listen to me? Can't you see that I am hurting inside?

When I came to NA for the first time I was blown away by the information I received. I wasn't alone. There are others out there who are going through the same thing I am.

I am finding through my recovery that there is a person inside of me who has a great amount of wisdom and knowledge that can be used to help others. That is why I am blogging. I want you to know that there is a way to recover. It is simple but it takes a lot of work. Come out to a meeting and listen. We are normal folks who have found another way to deal with pain and hurt. We are addicts. We choose to drink or use drugs to hide from ourselves.

We have now found another way to live. One day at a time. One feeling at a time. It is possible to recover from addiction but once we do there is no turning back. We can choose to live or we can choose to die.

I choose to live.

What Tomorrow Brings

Yesterday is gone and today is almost over and I can't wait until the mystery of tomorrow unfolds.

There was a time not so long ago that I dreaded tomorrow. I was in such a bad place in my heart and I didn't even want to wake up anymore. How many of you have been there before?

I saw my ex boyfriend at a meeting last week. He has been out using for the last two months and recently made his way back to recovery. He shared in the meeting. He was scared and he was angry and he was sad and he reached out for help. I was there to see him reach out and ask for help. He showed remorse and a great deal of hate for the drugs that tear him away from people he loves. The drugs help us to hate ourselves, recovery helps us to love ourselves.

He became emotional when he talked about our relationship and that showed me the side of him that I fell in love with. Is it love? How can we be sure until we go through recovery and learn to love ourselves first. I am learning to love myself today. I am learning to live my life with the purpose that God had intended for me to do. I pray a lot for myself and mostly for others. I pray and ask God to help my ex boyfriend to change because I really want this guy to change.

I saw something in him and that is what I was attracted to. Even though I was early in my recovery (which I still am in early recovery) I felt a strong connection to this guy. I wrote about it in my journal and have since looked back over my writing to realize what my head and heart were telling me. Give yourself time to heal before getting into another relationship. It is not easy to stay away from this guy. It is not easy to walk away from people we love. But.........................

In the end it is worth it. To watch God work things out in my life is a remarkable experience. I am ok with being alone. I am ok with being me.

Daddy, don't worry. I know where I made the mistakes in this relationship. We talked about what went wrong and have come to agree we both screwed up. My inability to cope in a relationship backfired and his inability to cope with fear and anger sent us spiraling into the place we ended up.

For the first time in my life I believe I am worth waiting for. I don't have to do things for others that I don't want to do just so they will like me or love me. It feels good to have that strength in me to stand my ground for what is right.

If this guy wants to change he will change. If he really loves me and wants to be with me he will do the work for himself and learn to love himself and he will be the amazing person that I had a chance to know. Maybe in time I will grow to love him more or maybe less. Maybe I will learn to be the most happy by myself just like both my grandmothers before me.

I love you Mom and Dad. I love you, my beautiful children. I am finally able to love myself too.

Recovery really works if you work for it. Listen to your sponsor. They know what they are talking about because they have been there before you.

Yesterday, I hated myself for the decisions I made in my life. Today, I am grateful for those decisions because it brought me to the place I am at now in my life and tomorrow is yet to come.

Don't Give Up

Seeing is believing. Believing is seeing. Don't give up and don't leave until the miracle happens.

When I first started attending CA meetings and NA meetings I wasn't too sure what to expect to happen. What I do know is that even in my mixed up state of mind the people in those rooms were welcoming to me. No matter what I said or how I acted they never made me feel anything but welcome.

I have been going to these meetings for almost six months now. I am coming up to six months in my sobriety on December 2 and I cannot believe the change I am noticing in myself since I came here. I didn't really start to notice it in myself until I noticed the change in other people first. They helped me to see just exactly where I was at a few months ago. It is nice to see that when we don't give up on recovery we aren't giving up on life. By choosing to stay in recovery we are choosing to keep living.

I came from a very chaotic place in my life. I didn't realize just how choatic until I gave my brain a chance to be real. I am finally finding peace and serenity in my life and I am loving it. I am alone for the first time in many years and there was a time when I didn't think that was possible. I was trapped in a world that I hated and felt like I didn't belong.

I was hanging on to my marriage because I thought it was the only choice I had. I was depressed, I was unhappy, I was confused and I thought I was in love. The love that I thought I had was actually need. It felt good to be needed. It didn't feel good to be on drugs. Now that I have had a chance to be clean and reflect on where I came from I can see that the depression was numbed with a big fat joint and when that wasn't enough it turned to cocaine and when that wasn't enough it turned to smoking crack.

When that wasn't enough...............................

I left.

I am grateful to be alive today. I am grateful these rooms exist for us to get clean and sober and learn a new way to live. It is an unbelievable experience but it works. HOW = Honesty, Openmindedness, Willingness. How it works. Complete honesty and openmindedness and willingness to let a Power greater than ourselves to restore us to sanity.

I am not used to feeling my feelings. I am used to hiding in my own misery underneath the drugs. I found a way out. I didn't ever give up Hope. Even during my darkest hours as I watched my husband turn into a monster because of the mind altering drugs and my own distortion of the truth, I still held on to Hope.

It was Hope that set me free. I am on my way to a better life. If it wasn't for the crack cocaine I would not be where I am today. I would probably still be struggling to change a man who can only change himself. I would be pretending to be happy but falling apart on the inside.

I have been watching my life change because I have been making changes. I realized tonight that by letting go of the people that I love makes it easier to love them. I don't have to struggle trying to control the outcome to be what I want it to be. I simply pray to my Higher Power for His will to be done and I see miracles happening. What a relief to find out after all these years that if I let go and let God and truely Believe, He will make things work for good.

If it wasn't for this addiction I would not have seen the miracles happen in my life over the last few months.

I am going to keep coming back because it works.

I am happy to be where I am and on my way to where I am going.

Remember When?

Do you remember when you laughed the hardest? Do you remember when you cried because you were happy? Do you remember when you let go of the people you love because you love them?

Do you remember how hard it was not to pick up the phone to see how they are doing because you know it isn't going to change a thing? Do you remember how hard it is to hear from someone else how well they look or how much they miss you?

I would love to hear from you because I am just learning all that now and it is so hard to do. Or not to do. When I see him I have to turn away from him instead of run to him because I know that we aren't good for each other. I know that we made a huge mistake and I am starting to feel emotions that I am used to hiding from. Do I love him or do I love the chaos?

Tell me how you did it.

Friendship Is Forever

I took a little trip today. A few thoughts and a few pictures of my past brought me back to a place in my life where I was happy. A child eagerly looking for the future to bring an abundance of happiness and dreams come true.

Our family friends from when I was a child took my dad and I on a fabulous three day journey through time. We had a chance to go out on their boat and visit some of the places I had been to when I was a teenager. I was just looking at her blog, beautifulbritishcolumbia.blogspot.com. It was in there that I came across the photos of my dad and I and Kent and Heather and Hugo on our journey together.

It always helps me to remember where I came from. It helps me to look past the worst and remember the best of me. Kent and Heather were like my second family. I remember when my dad moved back to Australia I felt a huge loss in my life and when I visited with Kent and Heather they always made me feel loved. Kent and my dad were really good friends and I considered Kent like a dad to me. Heather was always like a sister to me, only because we are so much alike and I am too old to be her daughter.

I didn't realize how much Kent and Heather impacted my life until dad and I saw them again. They are the friends for lifetime that we rarely come across in our lives. Time stands still and no matter how far we travel or how seldom we communicate they are always in our hearts.

Their daugher Crystal was born when I was barely twelve years old and she was my best friend from the day I held her for the first time. When we took skiing trips together I was always with Kent and Heather just so I could be near Crystal. I loved that little girl more than I ever thought was possible to love another human being. She too was a huge part of my life. I always thought about her over the years and wondered if she remembered me.

It was a life changing experience when I found myself surrounded by this part of my life that I left behind. I began to think about all those memories of friendship and love instead of misery and regret. I remembered all the things I am grateful for and I also had a chance to revisit a past that I thought didn't exist.

Thank you Kent, Heather, Sean and Crystal for being a part of my life. We were like family and we spent so much time together and I will carry those memories with me always.

I am coming up to six months of sobriety in my recovery and the emotions are like a rollercoaster. I thought it would be easy sailing once I came home from treatment! Not! I am at a really good place in my life and things are moving in the right direction for me and my kids, however, I am also starting to feel hurts that I am used to hiding behind with drugs.

I am aware of things happening around me and I am learning to listen really well too. My brain isn't spinning in all directions and confused about life anymore. I regret not listening to my sponsors months ago because they are right and I chose to ignore what they were saying. My biggest hurt is that my kids were hurt and I was completely responsible this time.

The reason relationships don't work in early recovery is because we don't have the tools to make a successful relationship. We can't change each other, we can only change ourselves.......

Letting go of the people we love is not as easy as it sounds but once I learned how to do that I was able to accept them for the people they are and started to ask God to help them.

My life is a struggle if I try to do the things that God doesn't want for me. He has a plan for my life and I am willing to let Him guide me to that end.

If I don't spend time talking to Him during the day then I watch my life turn back to chaos and darkness. It doesn't take much for that to happen if I don't keep my focus on my Higher Power.

I thank God I am alive today and I am grateful for the people who have helped me to get to this place in my life.