Well hello everyone! Wow, has it been a long time since I posted on this. I practically forgot all about it until I started making a family tree on Ancestry.ca...... I posted my story on there and then thought I should post it on here too. My life seems life a fairy tale now compared to what it was four years ago. In June I will be celebrating my four year sobriety birthday and so much has happened since the last time I posted anything. So here is the best part of my news. I got married on January 31, 2009 and I have never been happier in my life. I married a man that I met in recovery and we were both heading in the same direction. Our paths crossed several time in the rooms of recovery but it wasn't until I was chairing a meeting at the detox center that our paths crossed again. This time it was the right time for us to meet. We have been together ever since. I had the wedding of my dreams and can hardly believe it was over two years ago already. My kids moved back to the lower mainland last summer and that was a difficult time for me but I have to remind myself that they are adults and I have to let them go. I continually pray for them and hope that someday they will follow my example. (The example that I live now). So in order to get a better understanding about who I am I have included my story for you all to read......... Who Am I?
I was born August 3, 1969. It was a Sunday afternoon at the Royal Columbian Hospital in New Westminster, BC. I have a big brother. His name is Kevin. He will be three years old on October 2. He was born at Saint Mary’s Hospital in New Westminster. It was daddy’s birthday yesterday. I suppose you could say that I was his birthday present.
We lived in Port Moody, BC. We lived in a family neighbourhood and it seemed liked everyone knew everyone. The adults partied together and the kids played together. I had a couple of really good friends when I was little but most of the kids seemed to dislike me. Mom said I was a shy little girl and really took to women and veered away from men. I was quiet and reserved. The kids in the neighbourhood didn’t get along with me. I tried hard for the girls to like me but it wasn’t easy. They teased me and laughed at me. They called me names and made fun of me. I cried a lot and turned the other cheek. That’s what my mom always told me to do.
Dad taught me how to ride my bike when I was about seven. He ran up and down our street holding on to the back of the bike until one day he just let go and there I was coasting down the road without dad hanging on. He also taught me to swim by throwing me in our pool. I didn’t like that much. I didn’t like it much either when he burnt my hair off! He was lighting a fire in the fireplace with gasoline and I was sitting beside him and suddenly the flames flew out of the fireplace and scorched my long beautiful blonde hair. Mom had to cut it really short. That was in kindergarten.
Dougie Bishop was my best friend in kindergarten and grade one until he moved to Williams Lake. I felt like I lost my only friend. I joined Brownies when I was six and started skating lessons too. I loved to skate and I was really good at it. I went to Sunday School trying desperately to make friends. I really loved Sunday School classes. We used to go to grandmas every Sunday and I remember going to church with her. That’s what I loved to do the most. I was accepted there. I never felt accepted at school. Going to grandma’s for the weekend was always a treat. Eating toast and homemade jam before bed is a special memory for me. She used to dance around the kitchen which always made me laugh.
We went to Disneyland when I was five and to Australia to visit my grandma Clarke when I was six. We spent Christmas with her and my aunts, uncles, and cousins. That was the strangest Christmas ever because it was really hot.
When I was ten we moved to White Rock, BC. Nothing seemed to change for me. The kids still teased me and called me names. I started to hate school. I kept going to Brownies for another year after we moved and I kept skating too. By the time I was in grade six I quit skating. I had to get up too early in the morning to go to my lessons and I was way too tired for that. I tried playing tennis and soccer for a couple of seasons but I quit that too.
My family spent the summers out on the boat and the winters skiing. Eventually I stopped trying to make girlfriends. I started attending church with my mom every Sunday and joined the youth group. I stayed in youth group for a couple of years until my parents started having problems. I started hanging out with the wrong group of teenagers and eventually found myself partying and drinking and smoking pot as often as I could. I didn’t like it much but I felt like I fit in. It seemed to me that mom and dad were too busy working on their relationship to even notice.
I found my dad cheating on my mom when I was sixteen. I had never felt so much pain in my life until that very moment. The next several months were very painful for me. I didn’t think about how painful it was for my parents. I watched their marriage deteriorate. Mom told me that dad had cheated on her years earlier when my brother and I were very young. Dad told me that he had never done this before. He lied to me and I didn’t tell him I already knew.
I lost respect for daddy. I turned my back on him because I was hurt but I also wanted to cling to him so he would stay. He moved out. He came back. He moved out again. He came back again. By my sixteenth birthday dad had moved out permanently. Life would never be the same.
I was pregnant by my seventeenth birthday. My daughter Candace was born on March 9, 1987. It was my year of graduation from high school and I was proud of myself for graduating. My dad moved back to his home country of Australia in February of 1988 with his new wife Kelly.
I remember the day he got on that plane. There I was, eighteen years old with my baby in my arms, standing at the ticket gate preparing to say goodbye to the man I desperately needed in my life. I had tried everything to gain his attention thinking it was what I needed to do to get him to love me. He loved me from the time I was born. It didn’t matter what I did, he loved me.
I stood there watching him load his bags onto the baggage check trying not to show my emotions. We hugged each other goodbye. We were both crying. I couldn’t say what I really wanted to say, “Daddy, please don’t go”. I remember watching him walk down the corridor on the other side of the glass. He saw me standing there and I saw him love me. He was still crying too. I put my hands to the glass and sobbed. I watched him walk away. I was frozen in the place I stood. It took all my strength to walk away. Daddy was gone. I didn’t let myself feel the pain I felt. I know I blamed myself for dad leaving. I didn’t realize how much I longed for his attention.
It was four years before I saw my dad again. My grandma passed away in 1990 and my dad sent me a plane ticket to come and visit him for three weeks. I was eight months pregnant with my first son. Once again I had to say goodbye to my dad. I didn’t know when I would see him again.
I was married in March of 1991 and had my second son in May of 1992. Our married was rocky at best. We partied a lot and smoked pot and occasionally used cocaine. There was infidelity in the relationship from the start and it didn’t stop when we got married. I told myself it didn’t matter that he cheated on me but eventually I found intimacy with another man. The guilt became too much for me to bare and eventually I told my husband what had happened and for seven years we tried to make it work but it only got worse. I had married someone I thought I could change. It was too hard to forgive each other for the pain we put each other through.
I watched my husband turn into a monster. The love was lost and the pain cut deep. Drugs became our best friend. My husband had been emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually abusive to me and I didn’t know it until I left him because I thought I deserved to be treated that way.
The guilt and shame continued to fester in me and it seemed that the more cocaine I consumed the better I felt. Cocaine took the place of feeling guilt but eventually it wasn’t enough. Eventually we started to use crack and that took us quickly to the depths of hell. Or so it seemed at the time. Eventually it took over our lives. I was scared to death. My life was in danger. I needed to get out and I didn’t know how to leave..........
Is There Life Out There?
After eighteen years I am sitting by myself looking out the window of the bus I sit on alonewatching the years pass through my thoughts trying to decide if I am making the right choicethis time? Should I turn around and go back?
I am seeing all the sites we used to see together when we loved each other. Do we love each other anymore? Is love never having to say you're sorry? Do we really love each other if we have so much to be sorry for? I thought I loved him with all my heart for so long and I always wondered if he really loved me at all.
He broke my heart over and over again through the eighteen years but I always thought one day it would be worth the wait. It wasn't. In fact, it has now been six months of living hell.We started using crack cocaine. First it was cocaine on special occasions. Then it became more frequent and then frequent turned into often until one day often turned into every day. We used the drugs to hide the pain we were tired of feeling.
It didn't work. All it did was make us feel even more sadness. As we locked ourselves in our bedroom sucking on the pipe, our lives slowly turned to nothing. Our kids lost all respect for us and the oldest boy ended up flunking out of high school and turned to marijuana and alcohol too. He was only sixteen.
I never meant to hurt anyone and now all I seem to do is hurt everyone. Alone as I travel as far away as I can get, I shed a tear every time I think about the horrible events that have led to this day. I met a man I never knew existed in my husband and I am scared of him. I don’t know him and I don’t like him. I wonder if my husband will ever be back. I wonder if my family will ever be together again. Am I still making the right decision? Is there love out there to take the place of the love I lost to crack cocaine?
I miss the life we once knew and wonder if he will ever remember it. I miss my kids so much and I tried so hard to see them before I left but he wouldn't let me. He used them as a bargaining tool to try to get me to come back for some more abuse.
It was a very hard decision for me to get on that bus heading to nowhere. I didn't have a home anymore and needed to get my head on straight and stop feeling guilt and shame. It has been destroying my very existence. I spent many days over the past months staring into the mirror not knowing who I am anymore and right before I got on that bus to the start of my new life I started to remember who I was.
I am that good little Christian girl that he had married. I was baptized when I was 12 and I have managed to recover a little bit of faith. That faith has helped me to stop feeling so much guilt. I am not crazy. I am just crazy in love. Or so I thought for a long time anyway. I was going crazy listening to my husband say how horrible I am and that he hates me, could never forgive me, he wishes he never married me, and he wants me out of his life forever.
I finally had to stop trying to help a person who doesn't want to be helped and start helping myself. I gave up on him and now here I sit alone looking out the window of the Greyhound bus as it passes by all the places we have been together and I try not to cry anymore.
The Great Escape
It was the beginning of June 2007 when I got off the greyhound bus that was headed to nowhere. I was scared and alone and not sure what I was headed for. When I got off the bus in the dark of the night there stood my mom with a huge smile on her face. I ran into my mother’s arms and sobbed. I couldn’t remember the last time my mother held me like that. I had thought for so many years that my mom was ashamed of me for the choices I made.
Here I was just a few days clean and sober standing in the dark on the side of the highway crying in my mother’s arms like a little child. How I had wanted that for so many years and here I was doing it. I didn’t feel so scared and alone anymore.
We put my bags in the van and drove the few blocks to mom’s house. I headed down the stairs and into a nice cozy bed and fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. Tomorrow would be the start of a brand new life and I didn’t even know it.
The sun was shining through the window in the morning. When I opened my eyes I saw my Mom standing over me. Right away I started to cry again. I wasn’t dreaming after all. I had made the great escape to a better place. My mom sat down on the edge of the bed and let me weep. I saw tears well up in her eyes and for the first time in what seemed like a thousand years, I felt my mother’s love. I knew in my heart that I had finally made the right decision. My mom didn’t say a word, she didn’t have to.
It wasn’t long before I made my way on my own. I left my mom’s house and moved into the city of Lethbridge. As sad as I was about leaving my life behind I was happy to be on my own making a new life. The life I left behind wasn’t a life at all, it was only an existence………
Looking Back
I married him because I already had his baby and a daughter from a previous teenage love affair. I was young and naïve and not sure what to do with my life and it seemed like the right thing to do. I thought I loved him and he loved me but there had already been so much hurt and pain between us long before we ever married. I thought I could forgive him and move forward but as the years went on the pain only got worse.
When our second son was born I had hoped it would bring us closer together as a family but it didn’t. He kept himself busy with his friends, with his work, and with his pot. We moved more times than I can count and we always found ourselves back where we were and worse.
I knew I had a void in my life but I couldn’t figure out what it was. What could possibly be missing? I had everything I always wanted. A husband who loved me, or so I thought, and three beautiful kids that I devoted my life to.
And so life went on…..
The Beginning of the End
The years passed by slowly and soon my willingness came to an end. There was too much pain in our relationship so I didn’t want to be married anymore but I was too scared to leave him. Instead I decided to get some training in order to obtain a decent job to support myself and my kids.
My husband and I were slowly drifting further apart. We were able to make things look good on the outside but inside I was dying. We never communicated about anything except all the hurt we caused one another. It was easier to say nothing at all. I threw myself into my education and eventually found myself a great job. I was so excited about it but my husband wasn’t. He didn’t support my decision at all and that drew us even further apart. Still I was too scared to leave him. We pretended to be happy for the kids’ sake. I wanted to leave so many times but I was trapped in the darkness and couldn’t find my way out. The longer I stayed the more the darkness surrounded me. I was lost.
Lost in the Dark
Several years passed as we pretended to be the perfect family. I had another great job and I felt like I had a purpose in my life. By this time our relationship had deteriorated. We hated each other. We tried to find a way out. I couldn’t even have fun anymore. I didn’t know what fun was. We started using cocaine to numb the pain. I’m not sure if it was working or not, but one thing is sure though, the cocaine helped me to isolate even more. I felt like I was going insane. There were times I wanted to die.
The cocaine was becoming our best friend. We hardly ever left the house anymore. Our bedroom became our place of refuge to hide from life. Our kids were strangers to us by this time and we kept on using. My husband didn’t hit me as much anymore, in fact, I think he loved me again.
The darkness was closing in around me and all I could think about was getting high. It took away all the pain I was feeling and was bringing my husband and me closer together. One day he decided to try crack cocaine instead. I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea but I was willing to try it anyway. That was the day that my life would never be the same again………
Life or Death
I remember the first time I lit that little white rock the sizzles when it heats up. I had been filled with so much shame and guilt for so many years that when I exhaled the smoke I released all the guilt with it.
I thought for a moment that we could move forward with our lives but within seconds I met the monster that was now my husband. I remember he started screaming at me and a moment later he was flying across the room at me sitting on the bed and he started beating me. I cried out in agony for him to stop but he kept on slapping me and choking me. He would stop long enough to have another hit of crack and then he would pick up where he left off. I begged for him to stop but he kept saying I was lying to him and he became even more psychotic.
The beatings got worse and so did the drug use. The drugs helped me to hide from reality and helped my husband remain a monster. I hated him and I wanted out but I still didn’t know how to leave. I had spent so much time trying to save my marriage that I forgot about trying to save my kids. I felt helpless and alone but I kept on using.
Months went by and the using got worse. The abuse continued to escalate until one day I finally reached out and called my mom. I didn’t know what else to do. My mom came to visit for a week and she got to witness the fighting that went on between us. I didn’t tell her I was using. I couldn’t. I told her my husband was on drugs but I didn’t tell her what it was. I felt safe with her there. He didn’t hurt me and I was able to stop using for a short time.
As soon as she went home I felt unsafe again. He started hurting me again and I picked up the pipe again. I missed my mom. I called her when she arrived home and I finally told her the truth. I admitted it was both of us and I told her about the crack cocaine. I told her everything. A few months went by and our lives were consisting of crack cocaine, fighting, name calling, and extreme paranoia.
After six months of using I finally made my way to see an addictions counselor who suggested that I start going to Narcotics Anonymous or Cocaine Anonymous. I finally found a way out.Within a week I was on the bus heading to nowhere. A New Beginning
Ever since I walked into the rooms of Cocaine Anonymous my life has improved dramatically. I didn’t know what to expect when I got to Lethbridge. I knew I had a lot of work to do to get my life back in order.
I wanted a new life and in recovery I have found it. I no longer regret the past nor do I shut the door on it. I always remember where I came from so I can focus on where I want to go. The most important relationship I have in my life today is with God. I realized in recovery that the void I had in my life was filled by God. I used to be a scared little girl searching for something and never knowing where to look for it. I was always so concerned about what other people thought of me that I forget to think about me.
My dad came to visit me in September of 2007, just three months after coming into recovery. I hadn’t seen him in over 17 years. I found out that he loved me more than I ever knew. I came to realize that he was simply a man who made some mistakes. I had held onto a false vision of someone that didn’t even exist. It was an amazing visit with him but once again I had to say goodbye. This time it wasn’t as hard as it was before. This time I knew someday I would see him again.
Today I have restored the relationships in my life and I have an amazing new husband who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. He is all the things I ever wanted in a partner and I am so blessed to have him in my life. I know that I don’t have to search to find myself anymore. All I ever had to do was look inside myself and find the child that was screaming to get out.
After I stopped trying so hard I was able to start to live. I want to help people to change their lives, one person at a time and one conversation at a time. I am looking forward to my future and what it has in store for me.
To be continued...........
