I went to church today. I feel like I am right where I need to be.
When I left my husband in Vancouver I had no idea where I would end up. I am glad that I followed this road because I am finding happiness. I am finding true friendships and I have learned how to forgive myself and those people who have harmed me.
Will I be able to forget about it? I hope so. I hope that if I continue to pray for it I will soon forget about the pain in my life. It feels so much better to have forgiveness in my heart. Life seems so much easier to live this way.
God showed me mercy a long time ago. Too bad my kids and I suffered for so much longer. Becoming an addict has been a blessing in my life. I had a difficult time trying to accept this life I chose but recently I have come to understand that as addicts we have been chosen to spread our message to others who suffer so perhaps some more can be saved.
Maybe I will never forget the horrible way I was treated but I know that I can forgive the horrible things that have happened to me and take responsibility for the choices I made.
I am making better decisions for my life now and that is a step in the right direction. It might take me the rest of my life to finish building the bridge but at least I am building it. It is a safe place to be and no body is going to stop me from getting over to the other side.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Victim or Victimized?
How do you write a victim impact statement when you don't want to be a victim?
I decided to write the statement because it could make a difference to the judge if he pleads guilty or is found guilty. I also want him to know that I do forgive him and I hope that he takes responsibility for his actions.
I am still having a hard time accepting that this guy turned out to be just like so many others. The truth is that I was in denial. He is an addict not working the program. I am an addict working the program.
Victim Impact Statement:
For the most part I try to focus on what was good about the relationship, however, when I look at my finger I replay the scene in my head and sometimes cry myself to sleep and pray my finger will heal and straighten. It has already been four and half weeks since this happened and the pain in my finger is still fresh and very real. I allowed myself to care about this guy and I ignored the warning signs of the abuse because I thought I could fix him myself. I am suffering with the pain in my left ring finger, looking at a swollen knuckle, remembering all the painful words and the harsh reality that I made a mistake but was too scared to let anyone know what was happening.
It ripped away at my heart again to hear what he said when the police took him away....(I gave her exactly what she wanted). It hasn't been easy to forgive him but I have because I know that I am responsible for my choice and I would be an emotional wreck if I didn't forgive him. I am angry for what he did and hurt because I really wanted him to be different.
Physically I experienced a lof of anxiety, a screwed up finger that may or may not ever heal properly, a few cuts from the car windows and bruises from his fingers clutching my arm. I am grateful to say that is all the physical damage to me, however, it is also too much. I hate that this happened and that I am a woman who accepted it as appropriate behaviour.
It has affected my life in ways that I didn't realize. Even though I am angry and hurt I still find myself thinking of the good person I thought he was. I look over my shoulders to see if he is following me or standing on the corner or walking into the same building as I am and trying to figure out if I should be afraid of him or not. Will he hurt me again or will he accept responsibility for his actions and leave me alone?
.....................................................................................
I know there is good in everyone. Sometimes it is buried deep inside and takes a lot of soul searching for that good to shine through.
I had coffee this evening with a friend of mine from the program. She also had the privelege of going out with this guy before I did. She warned me about him but I didn't listen to her because I had to figure it out for myself. I had another lesson to learn from him and I am grateful for that. The lessons I had to learn from my marriage took a very long time. At least this lesson only took a couple of months.
There is a reason they tell us not to get into relationships in early recovery because we are trying to learn about ourselves first and put the wreckage of the past behind us before we can truelly be happy. Most of us in recovery didn't like ourselves until several months into it. So if we don't like ourselves how can we possibly like someone else enough to be in a relationship with them?
I was married to a man for sixteen years who didn't love himself and he still doesn't. He talks to me on the phone and I can recognize things I never could before. If I wasn't in recovery I would still fall for the things he says.
It feels good to be here today. Four months ago I took my last hoot off the pipe and three days after that I quit smoking! I am almost divorced and I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. My thoughts are changing and I am making better choices for me and my children are seeing the improvements.
A funny thing happened when my friend and I were at Tim Horton's this evening. I was telling her about the horrible things that I had been feeling about men when I very nice dressed man approached us. He looked a little timid when he said to me, "Hi, I just wanted to tell you that you are very pretty." And he smiled and nodded, and I said, "thanks." I was shocked. That has never happened to me before. I asked my friend if this is where I should be chasing him out the door and asking him to dinner?
Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you because it was exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment. He was just a nice guy offering me a comment to help me feel good about myself with no strings attached. Maybe there are still some good ones left when I am ready for it!
I decided to write the statement because it could make a difference to the judge if he pleads guilty or is found guilty. I also want him to know that I do forgive him and I hope that he takes responsibility for his actions.
I am still having a hard time accepting that this guy turned out to be just like so many others. The truth is that I was in denial. He is an addict not working the program. I am an addict working the program.
Victim Impact Statement:
For the most part I try to focus on what was good about the relationship, however, when I look at my finger I replay the scene in my head and sometimes cry myself to sleep and pray my finger will heal and straighten. It has already been four and half weeks since this happened and the pain in my finger is still fresh and very real. I allowed myself to care about this guy and I ignored the warning signs of the abuse because I thought I could fix him myself. I am suffering with the pain in my left ring finger, looking at a swollen knuckle, remembering all the painful words and the harsh reality that I made a mistake but was too scared to let anyone know what was happening.
It ripped away at my heart again to hear what he said when the police took him away....(I gave her exactly what she wanted). It hasn't been easy to forgive him but I have because I know that I am responsible for my choice and I would be an emotional wreck if I didn't forgive him. I am angry for what he did and hurt because I really wanted him to be different.
Physically I experienced a lof of anxiety, a screwed up finger that may or may not ever heal properly, a few cuts from the car windows and bruises from his fingers clutching my arm. I am grateful to say that is all the physical damage to me, however, it is also too much. I hate that this happened and that I am a woman who accepted it as appropriate behaviour.
It has affected my life in ways that I didn't realize. Even though I am angry and hurt I still find myself thinking of the good person I thought he was. I look over my shoulders to see if he is following me or standing on the corner or walking into the same building as I am and trying to figure out if I should be afraid of him or not. Will he hurt me again or will he accept responsibility for his actions and leave me alone?
.....................................................................................
I know there is good in everyone. Sometimes it is buried deep inside and takes a lot of soul searching for that good to shine through.
I had coffee this evening with a friend of mine from the program. She also had the privelege of going out with this guy before I did. She warned me about him but I didn't listen to her because I had to figure it out for myself. I had another lesson to learn from him and I am grateful for that. The lessons I had to learn from my marriage took a very long time. At least this lesson only took a couple of months.
There is a reason they tell us not to get into relationships in early recovery because we are trying to learn about ourselves first and put the wreckage of the past behind us before we can truelly be happy. Most of us in recovery didn't like ourselves until several months into it. So if we don't like ourselves how can we possibly like someone else enough to be in a relationship with them?
I was married to a man for sixteen years who didn't love himself and he still doesn't. He talks to me on the phone and I can recognize things I never could before. If I wasn't in recovery I would still fall for the things he says.
It feels good to be here today. Four months ago I took my last hoot off the pipe and three days after that I quit smoking! I am almost divorced and I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. My thoughts are changing and I am making better choices for me and my children are seeing the improvements.
A funny thing happened when my friend and I were at Tim Horton's this evening. I was telling her about the horrible things that I had been feeling about men when I very nice dressed man approached us. He looked a little timid when he said to me, "Hi, I just wanted to tell you that you are very pretty." And he smiled and nodded, and I said, "thanks." I was shocked. That has never happened to me before. I asked my friend if this is where I should be chasing him out the door and asking him to dinner?
Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you because it was exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment. He was just a nice guy offering me a comment to help me feel good about myself with no strings attached. Maybe there are still some good ones left when I am ready for it!
Friday, September 28, 2007
Life Is Not A Dress Rehearsal
I am learning the importance of being in the rooms of recovery.
I have been clean and sober for almost four months now. I see how important it is to the newcomer who arrives with so many thoughts and feelings and emotions.
Confused, angry, lonely, scared and weak. Just like I was. They all told me what to expect and what works and what doesn't work. I chose to listen to what I wanted to and do things my way because I didn't trust anyone.
I am grateful that I started to listen to them. I am grateful that newcomers stay around so I can share my experience, strength and hope so maybe more of us can be saved from the clutches of darkness.
Days used to go by so fast when I was in active addiction. Now time goes by so much slower. Those keytags that represent clean time are a real reward to hold in my hand. It isn't what gives me strength to survive but it shows my family something real.
My strength to survive comes from faith within my heart and soul because of my Higher Power - God. He gives me what I need and all I have to do is thank Him and ask Him for what I need. I feel like a different person now.
I feel very sad when I see how hard people struggle to survive and stay free from active addiction. It breaks my heart to see them give up and go back out.
I have gotten to know a lot of people since I have been around here and I have already seen so many leave the rooms because they lost the light. Some may be back soon, others may not be back. Jails, Institutions or Death? We only get one chance to live this life. Rarely do we get another chance to make the right choice.
I choose Institutions. I am going into a treatment center. They might have a bed for me next Friday. I will not let this addiction win. Follow me to a better life.
God, take my will and my life and show me how to live clean. Just for today allow me to touch the hearts of those still suffering.
PS: (I am typing these blogs with a really screwed up finger. It still hurts. It is still swollen. It is still bent. But you are worth it!)
I have been clean and sober for almost four months now. I see how important it is to the newcomer who arrives with so many thoughts and feelings and emotions.
Confused, angry, lonely, scared and weak. Just like I was. They all told me what to expect and what works and what doesn't work. I chose to listen to what I wanted to and do things my way because I didn't trust anyone.
I am grateful that I started to listen to them. I am grateful that newcomers stay around so I can share my experience, strength and hope so maybe more of us can be saved from the clutches of darkness.
Days used to go by so fast when I was in active addiction. Now time goes by so much slower. Those keytags that represent clean time are a real reward to hold in my hand. It isn't what gives me strength to survive but it shows my family something real.
My strength to survive comes from faith within my heart and soul because of my Higher Power - God. He gives me what I need and all I have to do is thank Him and ask Him for what I need. I feel like a different person now.
I feel very sad when I see how hard people struggle to survive and stay free from active addiction. It breaks my heart to see them give up and go back out.
I have gotten to know a lot of people since I have been around here and I have already seen so many leave the rooms because they lost the light. Some may be back soon, others may not be back. Jails, Institutions or Death? We only get one chance to live this life. Rarely do we get another chance to make the right choice.
I choose Institutions. I am going into a treatment center. They might have a bed for me next Friday. I will not let this addiction win. Follow me to a better life.
God, take my will and my life and show me how to live clean. Just for today allow me to touch the hearts of those still suffering.
PS: (I am typing these blogs with a really screwed up finger. It still hurts. It is still swollen. It is still bent. But you are worth it!)
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Don't Let Addiction Win
Recovery can be so easy for some and so difficult for others.
I went away for only eleven days. I have been home for two. Already my heart is saddened. So many things change in such a short time. We all work so hard to stay clean and sober. I have heard and seen how hard people work the program but yet there is a driving force that takes over which sends them back to using or drinking or both.
The rooms of recovery are merely a place to go to learn about addiction. In those rooms we find other people who are suffering from the same disease. We listen to their stories. We relate to some, pity others, and thank God it isn't ours. What isn't seen in those rooms is the power of the Higher Power. Step Two: we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. That power is Faith. Faith in God. He can and will save us from that driving force if we let Him. The only way to let Him is to ask Him.
Some of us have a hard time asking for help or picking up the phone to call a family member or our sponsor. How hard is it to pray to God for help? It isn't. It is only hard if we don't believe. We have spent so much time believing that drugs and alcohol could help that we have lost sight of the most valuable gift we have been given. We already figured out that the drugs and alcohol are not helping because we are in the rooms. Why not try believing that God will help.
Ask Him everyday to help. Try it. I will tell you about the miracles that have happened in my life since I gave my will and my life over to the care of God. But first you have to believe.
I went away for only eleven days. I have been home for two. Already my heart is saddened. So many things change in such a short time. We all work so hard to stay clean and sober. I have heard and seen how hard people work the program but yet there is a driving force that takes over which sends them back to using or drinking or both.
The rooms of recovery are merely a place to go to learn about addiction. In those rooms we find other people who are suffering from the same disease. We listen to their stories. We relate to some, pity others, and thank God it isn't ours. What isn't seen in those rooms is the power of the Higher Power. Step Two: we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. That power is Faith. Faith in God. He can and will save us from that driving force if we let Him. The only way to let Him is to ask Him.
Some of us have a hard time asking for help or picking up the phone to call a family member or our sponsor. How hard is it to pray to God for help? It isn't. It is only hard if we don't believe. We have spent so much time believing that drugs and alcohol could help that we have lost sight of the most valuable gift we have been given. We already figured out that the drugs and alcohol are not helping because we are in the rooms. Why not try believing that God will help.
Ask Him everyday to help. Try it. I will tell you about the miracles that have happened in my life since I gave my will and my life over to the care of God. But first you have to believe.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
There is Hope
I said I would be coming home with my head screwed on tighter.
I needed this visit with my Dad and the time away from my new home so I could straighten out my head and get into my heart.
I am going to be divorced soon. It feels like freedom already but I guess that is because I have been clean and sober for almost four months now. I am free from addiction and the abusive relationships.
I decided to follow the advice of a very dear friend of mine. He suggested I should get a seed and grow a plant before I try to grow a relationship. He also suggested reading the Bible.
I took his advice. I read six books in the Bible on my way home and I have a piece of a plant in water waiting for it to grow roots!
There is Hope. My friend is from the rooms of recovery. He has over nine years clean and sober. He found Hope. He found God. He found Faith. He found a better way to live. He has a beautiful new family. He and his wife gave me a lot of inspiration to change my life.
Faith, Hope and Courage are only a few things that are available to us when we believe that God can restore us to sanity. By the Grace of God all things are possible if we can simply believe in ourselves. God believes in us, why can't we?
I needed this visit with my Dad and the time away from my new home so I could straighten out my head and get into my heart.
I am going to be divorced soon. It feels like freedom already but I guess that is because I have been clean and sober for almost four months now. I am free from addiction and the abusive relationships.
I decided to follow the advice of a very dear friend of mine. He suggested I should get a seed and grow a plant before I try to grow a relationship. He also suggested reading the Bible.
I took his advice. I read six books in the Bible on my way home and I have a piece of a plant in water waiting for it to grow roots!
There is Hope. My friend is from the rooms of recovery. He has over nine years clean and sober. He found Hope. He found God. He found Faith. He found a better way to live. He has a beautiful new family. He and his wife gave me a lot of inspiration to change my life.
Faith, Hope and Courage are only a few things that are available to us when we believe that God can restore us to sanity. By the Grace of God all things are possible if we can simply believe in ourselves. God believes in us, why can't we?
Monday, September 24, 2007
Let Go To Save Your Life
They warned me about him. I wouldn't listen to anyone. I had to do things my way.
When we are in recovery we need to focus on ourselves and stay out of relationships. It makes sense. Too bad I didn't listen in the beginning.
He could have seriously hurt me. By the Grace of God he only hurt my finger. It seemed like he was trying to break my arm but he was unsuccessful. I managed to pull my arm from his grasp but not before he twisted and squeezed my hand and as I struggled he pulled my ring finger straight out from its socket. I thought it was broken. It wasn't. It is merely very swollen and sore. The knuckle is bulging and the finger is bent but I am not a victim.
If I allow myself to dwell on this incident I will be a victim. Instead, I am choosing to accept responsibility in my actions and forgive him. I will learn from it and I will heal from it.
This happened four weeks ago. He went to jail for a few days before he was released on bail. I pray for him almost everyday. He is an addict who still suffers. Does he deserve to go to jail because he got drunk and scared? Maybe. Or maybe he is reaching out for help himself.
When we are in recovery we need to focus on ourselves and stay out of relationships. It makes sense. Too bad I didn't listen in the beginning.
He could have seriously hurt me. By the Grace of God he only hurt my finger. It seemed like he was trying to break my arm but he was unsuccessful. I managed to pull my arm from his grasp but not before he twisted and squeezed my hand and as I struggled he pulled my ring finger straight out from its socket. I thought it was broken. It wasn't. It is merely very swollen and sore. The knuckle is bulging and the finger is bent but I am not a victim.
If I allow myself to dwell on this incident I will be a victim. Instead, I am choosing to accept responsibility in my actions and forgive him. I will learn from it and I will heal from it.
This happened four weeks ago. He went to jail for a few days before he was released on bail. I pray for him almost everyday. He is an addict who still suffers. Does he deserve to go to jail because he got drunk and scared? Maybe. Or maybe he is reaching out for help himself.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Family is Forever
Today I went to church with my Uncle and my Mom and Step-Dad. We went to see my Cousin play his guitar and sing at the church that he and his wife go to. It was so awesome seeing Darren play that guitar and sing. I remember when he used to play the banjo when he was five! Who knew?
I am so proud of him. I hadn't seen him since our Grandma passed on. We only had a little while to visit but it seemed like it was only Yesterday. It always seems like time stands still when it comes to family. How is it that we watch our children grow up so fast and wonder where the time goes but when we see family members after long periods of time have passed, it seems like no time has passed at all?
Time is the most precious gift we can give one and other. Life is too short to hold resentments or feelings of guilt. Forgive yourself for your short comings. Pick up the phone and call your family member that you haven't seen for a while. Tell them you love them. Forgive them if there is something to be forgiven. Pride is one of the biggest reasons that families fall apart. Don't let your pride get in the way. You might not get a chance to say what has been on your mind. Pick up that 1000 pound telephone and call.
Family is forever. Don't let them slip away. I have to go home tomorrow and I am so grateful I had this time to spend with my family. Being with them helped me to see just how important they are to me and how sorry I am that I didn't get enough time with them over the years.
Years have passed by so quickly. So quickly we forget about what is important. God never forgets about us, how is it that we can so easily forget about each other?
I am so proud of him. I hadn't seen him since our Grandma passed on. We only had a little while to visit but it seemed like it was only Yesterday. It always seems like time stands still when it comes to family. How is it that we watch our children grow up so fast and wonder where the time goes but when we see family members after long periods of time have passed, it seems like no time has passed at all?
Time is the most precious gift we can give one and other. Life is too short to hold resentments or feelings of guilt. Forgive yourself for your short comings. Pick up the phone and call your family member that you haven't seen for a while. Tell them you love them. Forgive them if there is something to be forgiven. Pride is one of the biggest reasons that families fall apart. Don't let your pride get in the way. You might not get a chance to say what has been on your mind. Pick up that 1000 pound telephone and call.
Family is forever. Don't let them slip away. I have to go home tomorrow and I am so grateful I had this time to spend with my family. Being with them helped me to see just how important they are to me and how sorry I am that I didn't get enough time with them over the years.
Years have passed by so quickly. So quickly we forget about what is important. God never forgets about us, how is it that we can so easily forget about each other?
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